Everything you need to know about last night’s Bachelor


This man is not to be trusted.

The opiate of the masses: dimples.  Take said cheek-craters and put them on an “all-American” white boy with 0% body fat. Now add two dozen idiots fawning over this guy, all of whom only have the capacity to say about three things. “You’re so handsome!”,  “Love means you’re best friends!”, and “I have a really good feeling about this.” We all know this is a time-honored formula to get millions of American women all worked up into a tizzy. Last night’s episode is no exception.

Full disclosure, I had never seen the show before last night, and I only watched about 15 minutes before my brain completely melted and poured out every orifice in my head. Bet let’s not let that slow us down. The first date I saw began with our Bachelor Sean pulling a Punk’d style prank on a girl whose name is as forgettable as her personality. Let’s call her Grundthilda. Well, Grundthilda went on her date with the bachelor at an art show; she was then left alone in a room with a “$1.5 Million” piece of art that looks like something a third-grader made with broken beer bottles and a glue gun. Sean mysteriously had to be pulled out of this super secret art room for “an interview”, meaning “I have to go watch you freak out on hidden camera when we signal production to break the weird art/beer bottle thing that in reality is only worth $5 and pin it on you.” The whole time Sean is watching Grundthila freak out as the art gallery owners try to blame her for breaking the “masterpiece”, he keeps saying “I kinda feel bad about this. She’s such a nice girl.” I’m not sure why he feels bad; I start all my first dates with huge pranks. Why just the other day at Red Lobster I smashed open the live lobster tank all over my date. Huge laughs! It’s how you win over someone’s heart.

That’s not to say that girls are fully innocent in the whole scheme. One of them is a single mom and clearly winning Mom of the Year. Who’s watching her kids?! Go home girl, get some priorities. At least whore yourself out in between dropping off and picking up your children from school. And the girls who are still left standing after this week’s elimination are even worse. From the previews, there’s some girl who goes full on Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction, THROWS HERSELF DOWN THE STAIRS, and pretends like one of the other girls pushed her. Well, not one. In the promo clip she keeps crying, “I can’t believe they’d do this!” So apparently it’s a massive conspiracy.

After watching my first episode, I may have to make this a Monday night ritual, only add a bottle of wine, several friends, and a drinking game.

Ciao Bella!
Matteo Yazge


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