Once again this year, TV and Film’s
drunkest finest got together for the year’s biggest ego-stroke: The Golden Globes. Since you clearly weren’t fabulous or talented enough to get invited, and you’re too lazy and averse to commercials to watch the whole thing live, I’ve taken the liberty of outlining the more interesting moments of the night:
1) Opening monologue:
Sheer genius. The hosting gig should always go to skilled writers, because you know the jokes will be on point. Watching Tina and Amy tonight was like watching Weekend Update on SNL. The best joke, which I think they may have stolen from a prior blog post of mine, was when Amy Poehler said that if there was anyone who should be able to direct a film about torture, it’d be the woman married to James Cameron for 3 years.
2) Carrie Washington is almost a normal weight again
But seriously, you guys. There was a period of time where she was one lack-of-a-meal away from just blowing away in the wind, never to be seduced by a president again. I’d like to congratulate her on gaining enough weight to no longer needing a neck brace to hold her head up. Keep eating, girl. We believe in you.
3) Bill Freaking Clinton
Yes, the President was in the house to present the nomination clip for Lincoln. Though I think he may have just been looking for Carrie Washington. I’m just saying…
4) These faces:
Tina and Amy posed as fake nominees for a couple categories. For what it’s worth, I actually wouldn’t mind seeing a movie about a volleyball player with Restless Leg Syndrome, called “Dog President.”
5) The sexiest high-five ever given:
Adele wins the Grammy for best original song, turns to Daniel Craig, HIGH-FIVE! She then goes on to give possibly the cutest acceptance speech of the night. No joke, she said she and her friend couldn’t stop “pissing themselves laughing.”
6) Arnold Schwarzenager and Sylvester Stallone present award…
…and simultaneously win a separate award for Most Botched Plastic Surgery in a Presenting Duo.
7) Not a bad year for gingers
Damian Lewis and Jessica Chastain both took their categories (ironically one for being a terrorist, the other for fighting them). With wins like this, what are gingers going to expect next, voting rights?
8) Jennifer Lopez still likes being naked
Much classier than her Grammy dress forever ago (remember that green bathrobe she tried passing off as a dress?), but still very “look at how naked I can be in public”. Sometimes I worry she might one day walk outside actually naked and not realize.
9) Anne Hathaway thanks Sally Field:
For providing an example against type-casting. She said if the Flying Nun could go on to play Norma Rae and Mary Todd Lincoln, then it was possible for the Princess of Genovia to go on to be a poor French woman turned dead prostitute ghost. Cheers to that! (P.S. – is there anyway we can get a pilot order for a Flying Nun reboot? And I still want Sally in the reboot…)
10) Amy Poehler gets cozy with George Clooney
While Lena Dunham was busy giving her acceptance speech and proving why you should never get tattoos, especially really ugly ones, Amy was sitting on George Clooney’s lap and drinking champagne. I think there are probably more people who envy Amy’s position than Lena’s. You can buy a Golden Globe, but Clooney’s a much higher priced hooker than the HFPA.
11) Jodie Foster got drunk and said the following things on stage:
“I’d have to spank Daniel Craig’s bottom to stay on television.”
“I’m not Honey Boo Boo. Ok? Never have been, never will be.”
“I’ve given everything I’ve had since I was 3, isn’t that reality show enough?”
“I came out a way long time ago, back in the stone age.”
“Mel Gibson, you know you’ve saved me.” – this one scares me the most. Who will save you both when you’re arrested for a violent DUI/Hate Speech run-in with the LAPD?
“I will never be on this stage again. On any stage for that matter. Change, you’ve got to love it.” – and some of us are OK with that.