Anna Karenina: an adaptation of the Petreaus scandal

Taking the proverbial long, hard look in the mirror.

If there’s one thing we can learn from current events, it’s that adultery is a lot of fun. It can gain you access to the world’s top military leaders, and a whole host of unsolicited shirtless photos from said military leaders’ defense intelligence coworkers. What’s more, you also get to send threatening emails to whomever you want from your married military boyfriend’s email account. Just as long as they don’t turn you in and then make a laughing stock of our entire country’s chief intelligence organization (see here). But I digress.

Clearly, there is only one answer to the root cause of the Petreaus scandal: all the people involved were just too eager to see the latest adaptation of Anna Karenina, and instead of waiting patiently like the rest of us (or seizing a screener copy for “official government business”), they decided to act out the whole damned story on their own. Paula Broadwell, Petreaus’s part-time biographer and full-time lady on the side, should be the clear choice to play Anna. She’s married, having an affair with someone in the Military, and I guess not that ugly? I mean, if you’re into biographers, I guess… But I’d rather like to think of Petreaus delivering an Oscar-winning performance for his gender-bending depiction of Ms. Karenina. Besides, he’s not attractive enough for us to believe he’s Vronksy. Petreaus is torn between his obligations to his family (the C.I.A. and general US integrity) and the new sexy biographer-like love interest (a woman who still thinks it’s stylish to wear hoop earings). He’d make the perfect Anna.

But if you’re tired of seeing our nation’s military intelligence air its dirty laundry like it’s an episode of the Real Housewives of Langley, VA, (and still want a juicy love story) then you should at least give the new Anna Karenina a try. It’s beautifully filmed, all inside an old theater. The house (the theater proper, where all the seats and stage are) takes turns being a train station, a horse racing track, a Moscow office building, and an opera house. It’s one of the most visually stunning movies of the year; if for no other reason you should see it because it’s likely to be a huge contender this awards season, especially for technical awards. And at least everyone in the movie has made it through hair and makeup, which is more than I can say for those tired old hacks over at the C.I.A.’s adultery central.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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