I’ve already made this my Facebook cover photo, and I can’t stop listening to the theme song by Adele.
The latest James Bond movie, Skyfall, was exceptionally entertaining. It had everything you could want out of a Bond film: sexy Bond girls, sexy Bond cars, sexy opening chase scene through a Turkish bazar, etc. But beyond just being a great show of explosions, guns, and steamy shower scenes, this latest Bond story had real depth. It taught me things. Things I could never learn in the tired old halls of a school. Things like, how to dress impeccably while chasing down a terrorist on a runaway train. Last time I checked, there were no elective courses covering espionage attire. What do you say to that, Mr. High School Guidance Counselor? But beyond just how to look good, here are the three most important things I learned from the three hours I spent watching Skyfall:
- It actually IS possible to efficiently heat a stone house
The final sequence of the film takes place at Bond’s childhood home. Of course this home is far more beautiful and historied than anywhere you or I could have ever hoped to have grown up. It even has it’s own name, after which the movie is titled. Try naming a film “1123 South Center”. Just doesn’t have the same ring. Anyway, not to give any crucial plot points away, but the whole damn building goes up in a giant helicopter-crash-induced explosion. It was then that I realized that, should I ever find myself lucky enough to be living in the fog-covered mountains of Scotland, all I have to do is get a helicopter every year when winter comes around and I never have to worry about installing proper insulation.
- All evil villains should be gay
This is a no brainer. The only thing that could make a Bond villain more dastardly charming than most already are is a penchant for some man-on-man action. It also made for some pretty awesome one-liners, including one where after Javier Bardem tells Daniel Craig there’s a first time for everything, and Craig responds, “who said it would be my first time?” BOOM! Also, the fabulous side of Bardem’s character allows him to deliver his lines in a way that both scares you, and makes you want to watch The Birdcage, which is never a bad thing. He definitely gets my vote for favorite Bond villain (disgusting metaphor about cannibalistic rats notwithstanding).
- Dame Judi Dench WILL shoot you. Just try her.
This woman is the real one with the license to kill. I’ve haven’t been this scared of a woman over the age of 70 since I saw Dame Judi Dench as the creepy lesbian stalker/friend in Notes on a Scandal. And not only will she shoot you, she will booby-trap chandeliers by replacing the bulbs with shrapnel-filled shotgun bullet casings and tear your shit apart. I’m beginning to understand why they made her a Dame; I’m thinking that flattery and appeasement is the only way to make sure you don’t wake up dead.