The Lindsay Lohan Chronicles: the real political issue facing America

 

Our Lady of All Her Sorrows.

The Democratic National Convention starts today, and before the lame-stream media starts trying to shove their socialist, lesbians-and-immigrants-hugging-trees agenda on all of us God-fearing Uh-merrrr-cans, we should take some time to discuss what the people really want to hear about: Lindsay Lohan is falling apart at the seams. 

Over the past week and a half, Lindsay has gotten into more trouble than is probably possible for most chronic mescaline addicts. First there’s the whole Chateau Marmont situation. Lindsay was living there for almost seven full weeks, and then decided that maybe it was time to move out… because she never really intended to pay the $46k bill. It might also be worth noting here that her bill is only $5k shy of the US Median Household Income, meaning that in almost two months, she racked up a hotel bill the size of many people’s annual salary. Needless to say the Chateau wasn’t exactly pleased about Lindsay’s preferred method of payment: sneak out the fire escape in the middle of the night.

To be fair, Lindsay had considered paying the hotel bill in stolen jewelry. This would have been really convenient, because in the past week she was also investigated for stealing over $100k worth of jewelry from a house party. For the record, the former-owner of the jewels is a man. Just pointing out that maybe a grown man doesn’t need over a hundred thousand dollars worth of jewelry, unless he plans on performing as Liza on the weekends. Anyway, this overly bedazzled gentleman thought that some of Lindsay’s friends were to blame, maybe because she tried to pin the whole thing on Suge Knight’s son. (If you’re keeping track at home, you can now add Obstruction of Justice to the Theft charges.) Apparently the LAPD are not so easily fooled by Lindsay’s weak finger-pointing, and admitted they have a pretty solid case against her. At this point, Mr. Jewelry Man tells the cops to stop pursuing the investigation, saying “what’s mine is yours.” The “yours” here is referring to the human-sized ziploc bag of cocaine parading itself around as Lindsay Lohan, and the “mine” referring to his embarrassing (and probably gaudy) jewelry collection. We can only assume that he’s hoping she will take a heroin bath with him in another unpaid-for hotel room out of gratitude.

So as we prepare ourselves to watch another week of political stump speeches (and hopefully another speech to an empty chair???), let’s not lose sight of the real issues bringing this country down: unpaid hotel bills, thievery, man-jewelry. If there’s one thing I could really use from Obama right now, it’s his views on Ms. Lohan’s role in our path out of this current situation facing America.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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