Hey team. Last night I DVR-ed the RNC, so I actually feel somewhat informed about how uninformed all those poor sweaty delegates are down in Tampa. I tried to only highlight the interesting parts of the evening. You know, if watching the National Convention for a political party you ardently disagree with is your thing… So, by all means, read on.
- Michelle Bachman somehow managed to find her way in front of a camera.
God help us all. Doesn’t she have a gay husband to apply shock-therapy to? Piers Morgan was trying to grill her on a comment she had about how women will be better off under Mitt Romney than Obama. Her argument? Women do the shopping, so when they’re filling up their gas tank and their grocery carts, everything will be cheaper if Romney is president. Yes. We have finally found a man who will not only make gas cheaper, but will also be able to get you half off Doritos. But also, when asked about Todd Akin’s “women’s vaginas are impenetrable fortresses during rape” statement, she just kept talking about filling up the tank. Feel free to draw your own witty parallel between sexual assault on women and grocery shopping. This woman makes my brain hurt too much to do it on my own.
- Ronald Reagan’s dad was a drunk
If Rand Paul says it, it must be true, right? Towards the end of his talk, Paul brought up this story about how Ronald Reagan found his dad passed out drunk in their front yard, covered in snow. According to the story, Reagan brought his dad inside and that’s why we should love Reagan for ever and ever, amen. I’d vote for a guy who’s willing to take care of my drunk mess, too. But wouldn’t anyone bring their embarrassingly drunk family member inside, out of the freezing cold, so they wouldn’t get frostbite or bring shame on the family? Not sure that’s the best example of what makes someone presidential. Also, of course Mitt Romney is going to be the designated driver. Mormons aren’t allowed to drink alcohol. Duh.
- The Bushes don’t remember any scandals during G.W.’s Presidency
So I’m guessing that whole water-boarding thing was just a stroll through the park? Same goes for the whole premise that we were launched into a second war with little justification and even less proof that Iraq had anything to do with the terrorists attacks on September 11th. I mean, I think the whole country would pretty much agree that there was no controversy around either of those. To be fair to Bush Sr., he’s not looking so hot. There’s a decent chance he doesn’t remember a lot that happened before breakfast today.
- Paul Ryan is deceptively charming
I can’t stand the man’s policies or voting record, but have you seen those baby blue eyes??? He is this election’s Sarah Palin. Just because he’s not in a pencil skirt or showing cleavage doesn’t mean he hasn’t been selected for the eye-candy factor. Where Mitt Romney is a emotionless robot, Paul Ryan is the boy next door who wants to convince you that you shouldn’t use a condom. (In case you missed it, that was a Catholic joke.) This guy is nothing if not charismatic. Between the impassioned gazes, iPod references, and his gentle grunts of contentment when the crowd gave him applause, this man is on FIRE! It’s no wonder there’s a fake twitter handle called Paul Ryan Gosling. Don’t even get me started on his Insanity/P90X workout…. Ok. Now I really feel like I need to go take a shower. Someone get me that clip of Obama singing Al Green and hopefully I’ll remember my political convictions again.