Honey Boo Boo Child Gets Spinoff

A dollar make me holla, honey boo boo.

It has come to the attention of our staff here at the Ugly American that the lovely people of TLC have decided to capitalize on the success of one very special little nugget on their network. TLC has announced that Toddlers & Tiaras child-star Alana Thomson, also known as Honey Boo Boo Child, will be getting her own 6-episode spinoff to debut on August 8th. I can’t help but notice that this is also my father’s birthday, clearly indicating one of two things: TLC’s attempting to reach out to a broader, more balding demographic, or perhaps my father has a secret Honey Boo Boo Lovechild of whom none of the rest of my family was previously aware.

Either way, you should feel nothing but sheer joy and excitement around this development in trashy reality television. Not only will this show provide a total of almost three hours of nonstop entertainment, but it should also carry us through the end of whatever horrible summer shows we’ll be subjected to this year, right into the fall premieres. There is a little part of you that’s asking if it’s OK to subject a little Mountain-Dew injected six-year-old to the national spotlight like this. Yes. Yes it is. She may end up pulling a Drew Barrymore and book a room at Promises when her “special juice” doesn’t help her win pageants anymore, but that’s the price you pay for fame. It’s about time we started letting small children learn these kinds of lessons. I bet if Lindsay Lohan had her own reality show at age 6, maybe she’d have gotten all that cocaine and drunken driving out of her system before she hit middle school. Because if children can get their wild partying days out before they go through a Sex Ed class, I bet that alone would cut down the rate of all kinds of Sexually Transmitted Infections. However, there may be a temporary shortage of fruit roll-ups and juice boxes as our society transitions to this new norm. But that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make to teach our children this valuable lesson.

Ciao Bella!
Matteo Yazge

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