Obvious News ALERT: Corn Syrup makes you dumbs

Jabba the Corn Syrup Monster, complements of icanhascheezburger.com

Gawker, my sole source of knowledge about what’s happening in the world, posted yesterday about how High-Fructose Corn Syrup is probably the reason why American brains are rotting away at an alarming rate. UCLA researchers performed a study on lab rats, forcing some of them to imbibe large doses of high-fructose corn syrup, or what I’ve decided to call the “Midwest Diet.” Another group of lab rats were given doses of omega-3 fatty acids, the healthy kind found in fish and nuts, also commonly referred to as the “Whole Foods Diet.” I’m not sure what else you would expect to happen, but I’m pretty sure you don’t have to be a scientist to hypothesize that the sugar-cocaine rats are going to be a little messed up, especially compared to ones receiving nutritional supplements. I mean, when was the last time you saw a rat eating fish? Leave it to a research study in California to test the obvious; I’m just impressed that the focus on the study wasn’t how corn syrup ruins your abs and the overall effectiveness of botox injections.

At the end of the study, the research team concluded that high-fructose corn syrup causes the synapses in your brain to weaken, making you a big fat dumb dummy. I believe that’s the exact medical term. The corn-syrup-addled Midwestern rats could no longer figure out the maze that they were trained to maneuver through, and after only six weeks were already becoming insulin-resistant. So, I wonder what could be contributing to the huge diabetes problem in this country… certainly not all the syzurp that we’re guzzling down with reckless abandon. And we’re certainly not losing ground in education to other industrialized nations (and that giant sweatshop they call China) because all our kids are ingesting so much liquid-sugar that their brain synapses are literally melting away in their heads between class periods. Really, what you should be doing is giving your child a bran-flax-seed muffin to keep him smart and keep him regular. If there’s any way we’re going to put America back on top, we’re going to have to start taking our diets (and bowel movements) more seriously.

Now, there was no control group to test for similar effects due to other types of sugar. But I think what we can take away from the bright minds at UCLA is that first of all, try not to be a rat. You’ll only be subject to the obnoxious studies of scientists at hippy-liberal California schools. Second, just avoid all sugar forever and ever. And maybe eat a few more vegetables. When’s the last time we found out veggies made you dumb?


Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge


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