This guy looks like someone just tried to buy him a $4,000 Fashion Carpet.
In a world full of danger and duplicity, you always have to keep one eye open (preferably not the lazy one). Do you know how many murderers, rapists, and carpet baggers there are out there?! And yes, this time I mean literal carpet baggers. Last night, while I was out with the lovely Elizabeth Banana-Hammock (whose name has been tastefully changed for the sake of anonymity), I was caught unawares. After enjoying a loverly dinner, we were on our way to the Ingrid Michaelson concert at the Wiltern. As we pulled into the parking structure, I gave the attendant my credit card to pay for some outrageously priced parking. After struggling with the credit card machine, she told me that my card was denied. My first reaction was that perhaps my card wasn’t the problem, that maybe it was her disgustingly long press-on nails, likely hitting several keys she didn’t mean to in an attempt to prove she was both inept and had bad taste. But it was an Ingrid night, and in the spirit of brotherhood and fine ukulele music, I just gave her a different card and didn’t think anything of it. Ms. Banana-Hammock and I enjoyed the rest of our evening, and after a half gallon serving of Korean shaved ice, we went home feeling like we were on top of the world.
Cut to this morning as I’m paying my rent and looking over my credit card bill. Upon opening my Chase account online, I notice several suspicious charges. First, a $120 charge for online flower delivery. Upon occasion, I’ve been known to drunkenly order a pair of birthday boots or artisan cookbooks off of Amazon, but no matter how drunk I am, I remember these incidental purchases. So considering that I didn’t drink last night and the fact that I think buying something that will die in less than a week is the biggest waste of money, things weren’t adding up. As I continued to glance across my statement, I found two more charges that were equally suspect:
- $4,000+ for “Fashion Carpets” – first of all, what the hell is a fashion carpet? Did Diane Von Furstenburg create a wrap rug that cinches in the middle of the living room with a cloth belt? Second of all, the charge was made in some town in Connecticut; that state’s only semblance of a claim to design is Martha Stewart and being the birth place of the WASP look, and I wouldn’t really classify either as “fashion,” especially when it comes to carpets. I will not stand for such carpet baggery.
- $1 charged to an RV Rental – while I didn’t make this charge, I am very intrigued to find out where one can rent an RV for only a dollar. I’m not the RV-ing type, unless it’s in my friend Becca’s driveway and we’re using it as a guest house, but I think I could be convinced to try it at least once for a dollar. For exactly this reason, that extra $1 was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Try to fraudulently use my credit card get some flowers and improved interior design aesthetic with some expensive carpets, sure. I’ll forgive that once. But try to coax me into believing that RV-ing might be for me by only charging $1 to my credit card? No sir. Not today.
Luckily the people at the Chase Fraud Detection Department were super nice about it. The guy tried to apologize for my card being denied at the parking structure, and I just told him, “Oh hell, if it keeps some dumbass from buying $5,000 carpets in Connecticut, shut it down! Shut it ALL down!” He took me through the past few days of purchases on my card to make sure there wasn’t anything else fraudulently charged – which there was. Apparently after being flagged for excessive carpet purchases, my credit card assailant tried to make several online purchases, including one for Wal-Mart.com. Which is probably where he went wrong. If the carpets, flowers, and $1 RV joy rides weren’t enough to tip of the Fraud alert, shopping at Wal-Mart definitely was. Everyone knows I’m exclusively a Targét kind of guy.