Why Cable Companies Make Us Weep Tears of Blood

Me angry at TV!

Last night I had quite the riveting conversation about the state of Television, and more specifically how cable companies make most people want to put their head in the oven. It’s not that cable companies epitomize the evil that is the large, uncaring American corporation. It’s not like they have somehow chiseled out a now completely unnecessary role in overcharging consumers for the video content they crave. Oh, wait… that’s exactly what’s happened. My bad. But over the course of the conversation with my friend Kat, we identified several key areas of frustration with our cable providers, especially Time Warner because they’re potentially the worst entity known to man, second only to perhaps Al Qaeda or the Girl Scouts of America.

  1. Why do we need 5,000 Channels?
    We don’t. That’s the simple answer. Most people are only active viewers of a handful of networks, and over the course of a month probably only watch shows on roughly a dozen. And that’s only provided they’re spending way too much time on their couch instead of, oh, I don’t know… getting their asses on a treadmill? Or taking care of their children? The point is that cable companies have found a way to bundle networks in such an inconvenient way that if you want that one channel you love, you have to pay $15 extra a month to get 50 extra channels you’ll never watch. Like OWN. That stupid network is a prime example of the crap that’s in the second tier cable package, not to mention getting lower ratings than it’s pre-Oprah days as a Discovery Network.
  2. We all get our news online anyway
    There is almost no reason for CNN, MSNBC, or especially FOX News to exist. Their only purpose is to give John Stewart lots of great sound bites to use on The Daily Show. Kat and I both get our news online, and mainly from less than reputable blogs with little to no journalistic value whatsoever. That’s good enough, right? I mean, as long as I read the daily emails from the The Daily Beast, that should be enough to say I’m an informed individual. Our one exception to this rule was E! We get plenty of our news from the Kardashian network. But we can always go to E! Online, so I say we still scrap all the TV News Networks.
  3. The Weather Channel is pointless.
    Yeah. This one really gets me. I decided that I want to start a rival network called “Really Freaking Obvious TV”. We’ll just show a constant scroll of the following message: “STICK YOUR DAMNED HEAD OUTSIDE. WHEN THAT GETS TOO HARD, ASK SIRI.” Maybe in the background we’ll rotate pictures of kittens or something stupid like that. Or maybe just porn. I guarantee we’ll get higher ratings that way.

Until the day when we can pay for the 10 channels that actually matter (HBO, Showtime, FX, ABC, NBC, FOX, The CW, Comedy Central, E!, and ESPN) I will continue to complain loudly and vigorously, to almost no avail. Please join the cause.

 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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