How to Catch Yo-self a Lady- and/or Man-friend

I want a piece of Fortune. Now.

Someone once told me if you have nothing to blog about, don’t blog at all. But to hell with that; I haven’t blogged since Tuesday and people are beginning to think that because I’m not harassing them with Facebook links to hastily thrown together posts (case in point, the one you’re reading right now), that I’m actually dead in a ditch somewhere. SO! Let’s talk about how you can hook yourself a man, lady, or dog this weekend!

First of all, don’t follow the advice of anyone on the Bravo Network. I don’t care how hilarious you think NeNe Sparks is; you are not allowed to reappropriate anything from Real Housewives of Atlanta as “dating advice.” There’s a reason why those ladies are on a reality television show: it’s hilarious and embarrassing. Is that what you’d like your dating life to be like? Also, don’t ever use catch phrases you learned on Bravo. There should be no, “let me tell you something about me and my family,” and certainly don’t meet your date for the first time and say “Mazel.” No one even likes it when Andy Cohen does that. Besides, do you want that special lady friend to think you’re mashugana? You’ll end up schlepping all the way back home alone like a schmuck. (Insert other Yiddish adages here and pass the lox and shmear).

Which brings me to how I plan to spend my weekend. As the token Gentile of the group, I will be going to Shabbas dinner for some Challah and Gefilte. Nothing says Friday night like gathering around the table and enjoying a home-cooked meal with my favorite ethnic/religious group and pretending to represent the Sephardic population with my Lebanese ancestry. I will then put together a puzzle with some friends and call it an early night. All of this will of course go on my Match.com profile where I will no doubt attract 80 year old women and a few confused immigrants. Such is my lot in life.

Do you think that Fortune would say yes if I asked her out? Anyone got her phone number?

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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