These four will no doubt have a fun time in the South.
Today is the Big Ol’ “Southern Primary” race, with Mississippi and Alabama voting for one of the yahoos above. It’s not surprising that 45% of Republicans in Mississippi think Obama is a Muslim. So in honor of the deep South’s perpetual state of delusion, particularly on social issues, I have decided to adopt equally as factually inaccurate and perhaps even more ridiculous beliefs about the four candidates pictured above:
- Newt Gingrich
Is actually a giant baby model. You know when they have that guy dressed up as “Baby New Year?” That’s Newt Gingrich. He’s been doing in since the 1920’s, and just never stopped. He finds it a convenient excuse to expose his mid-drift while getting close to young ladies at the same time. Occasionally he asks them to “rub his tummy for good luck.” Newt Gingrich: slutty man-baby.
- Mitt Romney
He has 12 sister-wives. One for each of the
original tribes of Israel“Native American” tribes of Old Testament Jews that sailed in boats to America. He keeps them hidden in a magical forrest across the border from Salt Lake in Nevada. You don’t want to ever have to share a sister wife. She might want to become a free agent so she can get drafted by another rich, waxy chauvinist. That’s how Mormon marriage works, right?
- Rick Santorum
So I had to go to Google for inspiration on this one. Santorum is actually a giant puddle of KY Jelly and fecal matter, if you’d actually believe it. Google it yourself! I’m seriously not making this up. Apparently if you go to Urban Dictionary, there’s this thing that is a bi-product of homosexual male sex that is called Santorum. Ironic, huh? This was 100% new information to me, restated here without the slightest hint of invective or malice.
- Ron Paul
He’s actually a founding father. He’s just that old. He was there with Paul Revere, the crossing of the Deleware, and I think he might have even been present at the Salem Witch trials. He wasn’t a fan of burning at the stake, though. From what I hear he thought government shouldn’t decide how you’re wrongfully executed. He was all for letting the witches decide: burnt at stake or drowned at sea. What a dedicated libertarian.
Happy election season, y’all. Good luck picking a candidate.