Future consumer, or future Pepsi ingredient?
Yesterday I saw an article my mother posted to Facebook. Yes, my mother posted an article to Facebook.
She’s one of those moms, and it’s why we all love her. Anyway, this article was about how essentially Pepsi is a bunch of baby juice. I’d like to say that Pepsi is a nice red wine reduction of a chopped up baby, because that sounds classier. But this article alleged that Pepsi is partnered with a biotech firm that uses embryonic stem cells to make flavor enhancers for its drinks. You know, I’ve always said that there’s nothing quite like the taste of stem cell and carbonation to really get your day going. I’m not entirely sure how little babies or their stem cells make great flavors, because I’m fairly certain that everything that they do smells. And no matter how much you say that a babies cheeks are so cute you “want to eat them,” you never actually eat the baby. Not unless you’re that Austin Powers character, Big Fat Bastard. How’s that for a dated reference?
Anyway, I have done practically no research to verify whether or not this article is true. The most I was able to motivate myself to do was run a quick Google search, which showed that no legitimate news source (or even FOX News) had published the story. So I’m thinking this may be one of those weird internet things like the Jon Bon Jovi death rumor, UFO sighting photos, or weird online fetish communities. If furries are allowed to have online communities, so should people who like to drink Pepsi Next. I think a great marketing campaign for the product could be “Pepsi Next: Made by, for, and out of the Next Generation.” Or maybe “Pepsi Next: Now with more Baby.” Or even “Pepsi Next: Sugar Baby Zygote Fetus Juice.” Personally, I’m partial to the last option. But perhaps my favorite thing I’ve heard since seeing this article was my friend Kat’s response: “This is exactly why I drink Coke.”