Michigan Primary: It’s all about the (Kitten) Mittens.

This face says, “who farted?” I say, “It was Newt.”

When will this primary ever end? Can’t someone just win already?! Yesterday were the Arizona and Michigan primaries, and while Mitt took Arizona handily, Michigan was a different story. Good ol’ Santorum was neck and neck with Mr. Mitt(ens). And since the state of Michigan is probably the most noncommittal state in the Union (when it comes to assigning delegates, and when it has to pick a restaurant for dinner), the 30 delegates are going to be split between Rick and Mitt. It’s kind of like an episode of Three’s Company. Mitt and Rick are sitting on the couch fighting over the remote; then some lady dressed up in a big Michigan costume comes and sits between them, takes the remote and we all have a good laugh. The lady can’t stick around to watch, because she’s a woman and has to do something domestic and obedient to her husband. Don’t forget, we are still talking about the GOP.

But if you think about it, Michigan must have been really confused. The state is in the shape of a MITT. An oven mitt, a mitten, potentially an awkward baseball mitt. And no one in the state saw the correlation to a candidate who may or may not be named after the general shape of their state? This is the candidate that is going to help get our gloves and mittens industry booming again; really put America back on top. Ski gloves, latex gloves, those fun little mitten/gloves that roll back and then the tips of your fingers are exposed; the ones that the movies always show the homeless people wearing? The options are limitless. And since Our Man Mittens is a part of a religious tradition that allows for multiple wives, I can only imagine how many pair of gloves you’re allowed to have. Nay, supposed to have. The only question left in my mind, what will solidify my support for Mitt McMittens Romney, is his position on Kitten Mittens. If he’s on board with those, he’s got my vote:

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge


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