Living Alone is Making Me a Crazy Person

Now, I ask you, would a crazy person have this many dirty clothes and old magazines laying all over his living room floor?

The NYTimes just published an article about how living alone can make you a crazy person. Because you don’t have anyone else to worry about, you are less inhibited in your own home, and slowly devolve into full on “homeless person on the subway” status. As a person who lives alone, I am rather off-put by this allegation, and my best friend DVR and I would like to protest such utter nonsense. Here is a list of things that “crazy” people who live alone do, via Gawker, which got their list via actually reading the NYTimes article – which, if you were wondering, I did not.

  • Running in place during TV commercials – absolutely stupid. Why would you run, when there’s a couch to lay down on?
  • Talking in conversational French to themselves – I don’t even speak French. Though I have been known to yell at my television in an angry mix of Spanish, Italian, and Long Island Jewish accent.
  • Talking to their cats – No cats, no talking to animals. Unless you count the dust bunnies that are beginning to talk to me. I figure if I ignore their taunting long enough, they’ll go away.
  • Using their dryers as dressers – Just like the jogging in place during commercials, that’s what I use my couch for. Have you seen the above photo?
  • Leaving their bras on the kitchen counter – I only leave my bras out over my oven so they dry faster. Also, I couldn’t leave them on the kitchen counter because I don’t have one. My kitchen is super small, and my bras are super huge. They’re like midget tents.
  • Wearing special “home alone” outfits, such as “white flax bloomers that go down to my knee” – OK. This one I have to admit is true. While I don’t have a white flax bloomer, I do have my special “at home flannel boxers” and oversized sweatshirt.
  • Subsisting “largely on cereal” – Wow. Maybe this article is on to something… If I’m living off of Kashi, that’s not as bad though, right?
  • Making dinner with “discrete objects” – I only did that the one time, and I pulled out before it was over. I don’t think that counts.
  • Drinking champagne in the shower “at 8 a.m.” – Hahahahahha. YUP. In related news, has anyone enjoyed a shower beer lately? Brilliant.
  • Leaving the house without wearing a skirt (“‘I realized it when I got halfway to work – damn it, I forgot my skirt,’ she said. And it’s not the first time that’s happened.'”) – Um…. I plead the 5th.
  • “Never, ever” closing the bathroom door – This just isn’t necessary. Who am I trying to hide my potty time from? The dust bunnies?
  • Making “huge mental efforts” to remember to close the bathroom door when guests are over – well, when you never close the door when you pee, you just forget that you have to do that when other people are around. Just be glad that I’m making the huge mental effort.
  • Considering putting “a Post-it note by the bathroom door” to warn guests that they may have forgotten to shut said bathroom door – get off my back about the whole bathroom thing, man. If the post-it note helps me remember, and it prevents some potentially embarrassing encounters, so be it.
  • Probably sometimes peeing with the door open while guests are over – IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO CLOSE THE DOOR! I refuse.

Fine, NYTimes. You win. I’m crazy. But as my friend Kat told me, apparently the number of people living alone is on the rise, so at least I’ll be in good company. GOOD DAY, SIR!

 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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