This Week in Sexual Depravity: Chris Brown and Car Obsessions

Um… I don’t know where to begin on this one.

A lot of really weird crap has been going on this week. I blame it squarely on Valentine’s Day. There’s no empirical evidence to support this claim, but it just feels right. It all started with Chris Brown and how the Grammy’s allowed him (known domestic abuser and scum bag extraordinaire) to not only perform twice, but win his category. The only thing they didn’t do was give him the “Lifetime Achievement for Punching Your Girlfriend in the Face Award.” As if this guy needed any more encouraging. Cue the arrogant and immature tweet, “I HAZ WON GRAMMY! F*#% YOU!” Later in the week we find out he hits on the girls by saying, “I promise I won’t beat you.” Ohhhhhh, well if you promise. That makes sense then. I guess you just had your fingers crossed when you said that to Rihanna? And after all of this you’d think, “what else could he possibly do?” Well, here’s the kicker: he is going to be featured on Rihanna’s next single. Yup. I guess when they found love in a hopeless place, he also stole her brain. Where in the hell is Rihanna’s agent, or manager, or mother for love of God?! Did no one step in and be like, “Well, Ri, I think we may need to rethink this whole inviting-your-former-domestic-abuser-back-into-your-life thing.” I’m all about giving people a second chance. To err is human; to forgive, divine. But I think Chris Brown is where I draw the line. It might be easier to give him a second chance if he wasn’t constantly trying to prove how much of a total asshole he is.

And while Chris Brown was busy being the loudest moron in the spotlight this week, there was a special little story featured on TLC’s My Strange Addiction. As you can tell from the video above, this man has a peculiar relationship with his car… in that he “has sex” with it. I’ve heard of people getting freaky in cars, but never getting freaky with a car. While he describes it as including a lot of rubbing and masterbating, I prefer to imagine he’ll one day be castrated via a still-hot exhaust pipe. My Strange Addiction has had a lot of weird people: the couch eater, the toilet paper eater, the ventriloquist. I think this one takes the cake, though. But if I had to pick one person that was more sexually depraved (the point of this post, in fact), I would pick Chris Brown every time. At least the car-fetish guy takes good car of his “lover.” And when he talks about giving it a “shiner”, he literally means he’s going to shine it with a rag and some cleaning solution, not punch it in the face. So, here’s to you, Mr. Kiss My Bumper. I wish you and your automobile all the happiness in the world. You know, until we run out of petroleum.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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