Today’s News in Fat People: BK delivers; Gingrich says he’s no Clinton

The King’s making house calls… so is Newt Gingrich.

Here at The Ugly American, we’re always conducting extensive research on the latest developments in fat America. Recently there’s a lot happening in this area. Michelle Obama finally got her public school lunch improvements approved, some idiot is complaining there aren’t enough fashion blogs for “plus-size” men, and scientists have discovered something called “brown fat” – which I thought was just what happened when little Mexican children kept their baby fat. But we also know what the people really want to hear about. And today, that is how the can get Burger King delivered straight to their door.

Whopper enthusiasts rejoice! Well, whopper enthusiasts who live in the D.C. Metropolitan area. By going to, you can order Burger King delivered to your home and begin the beautiful process of adding on literally hundreds of extra pounds in flame-broiled meat and deep-fried potatoes. Burger King says it has developed specially engineered boxes for the Whopper that help it stay as fresh and “delicious” as if you were eating it at an actual BK location. There are many clear advantages that this setup has over the traditional fast food experience. First off, you can get your burger and fries while sitting around in your underwear. While I’m sure this has already happened at some poor Wendy’s location in the middle of Kentucky somewhere, you can now do it without getting cited for public indecency. Now you’ll just be laughed at for private indecency. Also, drunk food has never been more convenient. On your way home from a late night out? Just use your smart phone to order some greasy treats, and maybe the delivery man will be waiting outside your door when you get home.

Whopper Eaters aren’t the only fatties in Washington making a commotion lately. Presidential hopeful and notorious pile of human filth, Newt Gingrich was in a Florida Univision forum this week when he was compared to Bill Clinton, as both were cheating on their wives during the mid-to-late 90’s. Newt, not being one to be likened to such a progressive and positive force for change in the world, vehemently opposed any such comparison. Now I’m not saying that what former President Clinton did was right. Even single men shouldn’t be soliciting oral sex from their interns. But Newt was full on having a tawdry affair. This wasn’t a one time quickie in the Blue Room bathroom (insert joke about blue balls here). Also, having had three wives, Newt really doesn’t have a whole lot of room to talk about long-lasting, committed relationships. He’s also the one who wanted an open marriage so he could still sleep around while with wife #2. I’m not judging people with open relationships. Polygamy seems to work really well for those upstanding Mormons over in Utah. But you can’t be in favor of open marriages and extramarital sex and run as the FAMILY VALUES candidate. It just doesn’t work. It’d be like me running as the health food candidate and then ordering myself four BK Value Meals delivered right to my door. Is it legal for me to become a huge fat ass? Yes. You should know this better than anyone, Newt. But that doesn’t mean I can have my Whopper and eat it too. Pick a side. You’re either allowed to be a disgusting old fat man who cheats on his wives, or you can stand for “family values”. Either way, the only thing corrupting the foundation of marriage in this country is you, Newt Gingrich. No one else.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge


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