With a face like that, aren’t you glad he’s dropping out?
Poor, poor Rick Perry. All he wanted was to forget a lot of key facts, ramble on and on about how awesome guns are, and eventually force the entire country to get an HPV vaccine (I do want to be one-less-one-less!). Now all those dreams are shattered. This morning at around 11am EST, Rick Perry will officially announce he’s dropping out of the GOP Primary. While most news outlets are recapping his run at the nomination, this “news outlet” is focusing more on what the people really want to know: what’s next? Why live in the past, Rick? Let’s look at two of your most promising career prospects are, now that you’ll have all that free time not
running our country into the ground being President of the United States.
- Gardasil Spokesman
Sure, you could go the whole “I support this vaccine” approach. But that’s too obvious. Just because you vaccinated a bunch of teenage girls while governor of Texas, doesn’t mean that talking about the vaccine is the most effective tactic. What would work is if you shot a commercial where you talked about sex. About how much you really really like sex, unprotected fully-explicit sex. But just like other times when you speak on TV, you’ll forget some words. Maybe you should get hopped up on those pain killers again and slur the words you can remember. In depicting this side of “the Rick”, teenagers all over the country will be scared out of trying sex and just stick to good old fashions dry humping to avoid any possible exposure to HPV. That’s the way we did it back in the day, and my group of friends all turned out fine… for the most part. The point is none of us have HPV. 100% success rate.
- Quarterback of the Denver Broncos
Well, Rick, even though you’re about 25 years too old to effectively fill this position, if there’s anything we’ve learned from Tebow, it’s that talent doesn’t matter. The people of Denver are perfectly content to have a QB that has a moderate skill set at best, but has a direct line straight to the big guy upstairs. Seeing as you had an official Day of Prayer that you hoped would instantly fix all the country’s problems by getting God to do the work for us, you might actually get Denver to the playoffs again next year. There’s nothing that team loves more than not practicing and relying on Jesus to drop everything he’s doing to win a stupid football game. Oh, and Gardasil. They all love Gardasil. So make sure they all get to be one-less-one-less as well.