America’s Gone Insane: Chicken Nugget Prostitutes

The term “Golden Arches” may actually be a sexual act that none of us knew about.

America, I’m not sure what’s gotten into you. Is it the election cycle? Is it the lingering effects of the Occupy movement? Or have you finally realized that McDonald’s may be the ultimate aphrodisiac? I putting my money on the last one, as a recent news story came to my attention while watching Chelsea Lately. Apparently there was one very hungry woman in LA.

“How hungry was she, Matt?!”

I’m so glad you asked, reader. Well this Burbank woman was so hungry that she was going car-to-car in the McDonald’s parking lot, offering sexual favors in exchange for chicken mcnuggets. Gurrrrrrrrl, why you gotta disrespect yourself like that? I will confess that there is something sexually magical about those reconstituted chicken bits. But why did you think you had to fondle someone’s nuggets for some nuggets? They’re like 12 for a dollar or something. I’ll give you the dollar if you promise to not whore yourself out… for anything less than some crack rock. Don’t you know anything about quid-pro-quo sexual bartering? You can’t ask for too little, otherwise people will think what you have to give isn’t worth the exchange. And we all know that you’ve been perfecting the craft on all your jobs lately: handy, quicky, blow… elbow? Don’t sell yourself short, my friend. At least ask that he supersize you and throw in a fruit-and-yogurt parfait. You’re one classy bitch, and you deserve that delicious American Dream. Special sauce and all.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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