Golden Globes: the good, the bad, the penis jokes

Here is is everybody. Some of the highlights from the most glorious evening in xenophilic cinema journalism:

  • Michelle Williams
    She genuinely thanks her daughter and she wins the same awards as the real Marilyn did? My hat is off to you. Also, as my friend Kat pointed out, it’s a tribute that she’s even sane after having a kid with Heath Ledger and then watching him die from some obscure situation that never really got sorted out/potentially involved an Olsen twin. Really, we should sculpt a little super hero statuette for making it through that whole mess.
  • Betty White
    Somehow she’s not even nominated and she’s managed to steal the show. You bet your ass I’m watching her 90th birthday special tomorrow night. And then her new show where old people prank young people, or as Betty says, “the only tricks people that old can turn.”
  • Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy
    The cutest couple ever, proven by the fact that they can harmonize their joke before presenting an award. It’s too bad his show is infinitely better than hers. She needs to find a new gig now that the housewives are like 70 years old. But let’s be honest, she should have done that after the third season of that show…
  • Jessica Lange
    Have you seen this show??? American Horror Story is insanely good, and she plays one creepy old broad.  Also, did anyone else notice how she stayed in character for her speech? She thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press because “you’ve always been generous.” As if she thought she was going to win the award just because she was on TV this year. The next thing you know she’s going to thank her creepy ghost son for not impregnating another neighbor lady.
  • Dustin Hoffman
    Why in the hell do they keep cutting to him in between every single award?  And why does he always look hungover in every shot? That is all.
  • Seth Rogan
    He had the best joke of the entire night. While standing next to Kate Backinsale (above), he said he was hiding a humongous erection.  But seriously, who wouldn’t? I think some women sitting next to her even got ladywood. No one could stop laughing, Kate included. Stand up job. Let’s keep the dick jokes coming.
    I know, I know. It’s not even on TV yet, but the commercials were everywhere. Put Angelica Huston and Debra Messing in one show, and I’ll start writing about it years beforehand. The music is going to be insanely good and it looks pretty visually impressive as well. Maybe NBC will have a show that actually gets ratings. Or not. Could go either way.
  • Matt LeBlanc
    SERIOUSLY!? I didn’t see that coming at all. I loved Episodes, which of course means it was cancelled. Maybe they’ll consider bringing it back. Although I think that sharp navy blue suit could have won him an award on its own. That and his ability to age more gracefully than anyone in Hollywood except George Clooney. I like that some of the guys are branching out from the normal tux.
  • Table 10
    The Help deserved to win everything it’s nominated for. I know this means that I’m saying that Meryl shouldn’t have won her category, but I’m willing to stand by that. Maybe if The Iron Lady had come out before she got nominated, I’d be OK with her winning. How can you vote for her if you’ve never seen her movie?! Insanity.
  • Meryl Streep
    I lied. Meryl totally deserved to win. She is a class act. She also called Viola “her girl”. That may have been one of the best award speeches I’ve heard in a while. There really were a ton of amazing performances by leading ladies this year, and it’s a truly awesome thing that Meryl dedicated the award to all of them. Also, can we at least get a free round of drinks for the makeup crew from the movie? Anyone who can make Meryl look that much like a foot deserves a stiff drink at the very least. That’s no easy task.
  • George Clooney
    You can always count on Clooney for a good dick joke. Thank you Michael Fassbender for the alley-oop on that one. Apparently full-frontal nudity is really funny. And aside from the “you can golf with both hands behind your back” moment, George was just as classy as Meryl.  If this were the high school homecoming dance, I’d definitely have voted for both of them for king and queen. When do we get to see them dance?

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