Mitt is confused by his Latin roots. He loves family, but hates Mexicans. What to do, Mitt? What to do?!
It has come to my attention that Mitt Romney is in fact
the descendant of an Aryan man who was born in Mexico an illegal immigrant who plans on gardening for your grandma who lives in Phoenix. This news broke via crack journalist Geraldo Rivera, that idiot that almost got a whole bunch of troops killed in Iraq when he gave away their location live on air. So in the spirit of Geraldo, and his talking about a news story that has already been covered by real reporters, I decided to do some crack journalism myself and get to the bottom of this story. Here’s what I found after 2 minutes on Google, Wikipedia, and making shit up:
- There are Mormons in Mexico
This part I didn’t make up. There isn’t just one, but two Mormon
settlements, coloniestowns remaining in Mexico where they get together and sing and dance like in the Book of Mormon. Either that or they watch reruns of Sisterwives on TLC. I’m not sure what they do, but they’re Mormon, they’re Mexican, and they’re proud of it. So grab your wives, your tacos, and let’s go to church! I’m pretty sure Mormons still call it church. It’s only the Scientologists that go to “spaceship,” right?
- Mitt Romney is one of them
Since his Dad was born in Mexico, that means Romney is 110% Mestizo. In the 1800’s, his great-grandfather packed up his eight wives and all his parentally- (and soon-to-be-ethnically-) confused children and left Utah for Mexico. Why, you ask? Because they were fleeing anti-polygamists. Why did they come back several generations later, you ask? Because they were fleeing a Mexican revolution. If it’s not one hostile mob, it’s another. Poor Mormons. But the key takeaway from this tale is that Romney is a hardcore Mexi-can’t. He does things like put cayenne pepper in his hot chocolate and calls his mid-afternoon naps “siestas.” I bet on the weekends he even does stereotypical things like cut people’s grass or loiter in a Home Depot parking lot.
- And he has a plan to destroy America
Yes. Right now, as you read this, Mitt Romney is in Mexico, planning on bringing all his Mor-Mex (kinda like Tex-Mex, but only half as delicious) friends over the border to steal your job. Yup. You, sitting at your computer. Right now a Mormon is stealing your job. So why are you still reading this when you need to go defend our borders and your job?