People Who Should Never Run the Country: Justin Bieber, Dance Moms, Ryan Seacrest

This woman is clearly in need of medication.

While the GOP primaries are chugging along today in New Hampshire (fingers crossed for John Huntsman), it made me think of how many other people aren’t qualified to run the country. You know, besides the vast majority of candidates actually running. There are a lot of idiots in the news lately, so let’s talk about why they’re in the news and why they shouldn’t be allowed within a 30 mile radius of D.C.

  1. Justin Beiber
    He’s in the news this week because he recently got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf.  Rest assured, tattoo parlors across the country will be inundated this week with 14 year old girls and their middle aged mothers, requesting matching tattoos. Also, Tim Tebow might show up with a matching one and then potentially claim that his calf is now talking to him and making play calls in next weekend’s playoff game.  If one idiot teenage boy with a lesbian haircut has this much power to influence the masses, you might think he’d be a shoe-in for president. In fact, I’m not sure why we don’t all just write him in on the ballot. Oh, wait. That’s right. He thinks things like a jumbo Jesus tattoo is a good idea. Something he and Rick Perry have in common.

  2. Dance Moms
    Full disclosure: I’ve never seen an episode of this show. However, I don’t really feel I need to in order to accurately  assess everything related to it. First, let’s discuss how if there was anyone I wanted teaching my daughter how to dance, it would not be this woman. Not only does it look like she wouldn’t be able to prance across a dance floor, I’m also pretty sure she may attempt to eat one of the children if her blood sugar got low. If for no other reason than the crazed look in her eyes is very reminiscent of Michelle Bachman, this woman should never be allowed children or the oval office. Any office really, regardless of its shape. Maybe a nice big farm where she can roam free and not disturb anyone. Or eat them.

  3. Ryan Seacrest
    First, this t-shirt is enough to make news. Ryan, we know you don’t like hoes. You just like to steal their pumps and wear them around your house so you feel taller. Second, word on the street (and my radio station) is that Ryan Seacrest is leaving American Idol. His latest contract was $45M for three seasons, making his the most expensive reality show host this side of Munchkin Land. Why would you pay him $15M a season when you can just use him as a garden gnome for free? It makes sense that American Idol would want to be rid of him; we all do. This is the monster that thought it was a good idea to unleash the Kardashian upon our country. The only way he would make a good president would be if he attempted to use all the heinous reality stars he’s produced to scare off the terrorists. I think if we just parachuted the Kardashians into North Korea, all our problems would be over. The worst part of this whole story is that The Today Show is courting him to replace Matt Lauer. That show has enough problems between that dull Ann Curry and those drunks Hoda and Kathy Lee. Though to be fair, maybe he’s the batshit ring leader that the show’s been missing all along?


Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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