Divorce the leading cause of celebrity marriage failure

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Any couple that looks this good out in the snow should be forced to stay married, just for the photo ops.

As we were getting ready this morning, we happened to be watching that shining beacon of professional journalism NBC fluff story cash cow, The Today Show. Matt and Ann’s fill-ins didn’t waste any time getting to the most important international news story. Of course I’m talking about the Katy Perry/Russell Brand divorce. I’m just as fascinated with celebrity gossip as the next person. Gwyneth found a new gluten free flour that cures halitosis? Where can I buy it? Alec Baldwin wants to start his own Scrabble-mandatory airline? When can I book my flight? And don’t get me started on Roseanne Barr’s gardener. But it seems odd when we start prying into really intimate things like the collapse of a marriage.

It would be one thing if Katy Perry was seen trolling West Hollywood in search of gay male hookers in hopes of turning them on and luring them into bed with her rainbow colored, phallic hair. Or if she brought “goddesses” (a la Charlie Sheen) back to the Plaza and demolished a penthouse suite while blasting “The One That Got Away.” Public spectacle and assholery demand excessive media coverage. When you put your private life into the public spotlight, you have to live with the consequences. But the one thing that I really respected about Krussell Prand (Raty Berry?) was how private they were with their relationship. Unlike notorious fame-whores, the Kardashians, or anthropomorphic butt Jennifer Lopez, Katy and Russell never shared the intimacies of their relationship with the world. They never felt the need to shamelessly use their family to promote their careers. So it feels cheap and dirty (like a low-budget adult film) to try to figure out, as those crack journalists at the Today Show we’re doing, why Katy and Russell split.

Just imagine if they did the same thing for everyone’s failed marriage on your local morning news:

“Well, you know Steve and Judy from down the block? They’ve officially booked their last trip together, but this one is to splitsville. The couple first met four years ago when Judy’s mom set them up for fear she may never get grandchildren. It was a quick courtship, full of trips to the Cheesecake Factory and making out at the Barnes and Noble Starbucks. But where did things go wrong? No one seems to know, as the couple never shared the private details of their relationship in any tabloid exclusives. We can only presume it was because Judy started making more money than Steve. Or was it that Steve caught Judy in bed with the male nanny? Or has it all been an elaborate lie to hawk their own reality TV show on local ABC Channel 7’s 3am time slot? We may never know, but that won’t stop us from making wild public guesses in complete disregard for the dignity of these two individuals. But now to Phil with the weather. Phil, when’s all this rain going to stop?! (cue laughter)”

You get my point. Let’s just stay out of Katy and Russell’s private affairs and hope that if anything, maybe this will inspire Katy to write some quality songs about heartbreak for her next album.

Ciao Bella!
Matteo Yazge

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