United Airlines can suck my Schweddy Balls


The above picture rather accurately depicts my horror at flying on United Airlines. After what was a rather lovely week home for Christmas, I woke up this morning at 6:30 so I could make it to the airport on time for my flight. Not an ideal time to ever be awake, especially since that is 3:30 LA time, but what are you going to do? Presumably you would show up, check your luggage, board your flight and go home. Well, instead I waited forever in line to check a bag because the counter was under-staffed and every unlucky bastard ahead of me had to switch their connecting flight. It wasn’t until I got up to the desk that I found out I was an unlucky bastard as well. So from an initial arrival time of 4, I got bumped to 7:30. Not the end of the world, but obnoxious nonetheless. So I end up hunkering down at the gate for what I think is going to be a 3 hour wait. That’s when the woman gets on the PA system to announce my flight was cancelled.

It was bad enough when my initial flight was delayed, but if I don’t even have a first flight, there’s no way I’m making any connecting flight. Things are further complicated by the fact that my friend Jiyuh is getting into LAX at 3 and staying at my place tonight with our friend Joe. Again, hard for me to drive them home and let them into my apartment if I don’t have a flight. I was eventually placed on a flight through Chicago (and I’m praying it doesn’t start miraculously snowing out of nowhere), now getting into LAX at 8:30. The only sliver of a silver lining is that from O’Hare to LAX I got upgraded to first class. But considering this is the third trip in a row with United that I’ve had my flit screwed up, a first class upgrade is not going to keep me from booking with Jet Blue next time I fly anywhere. I would however like to thank the wonderful people over at GAP for having a store in the Pittsburg Airport and putting all sale items on an additional 40% discount. I can always count on GAP to be there with affordable flannel in my time of need. Also, my thanks to Ben & Jerry for their mouth-watering Schweddy Balls. I consider those scrumptious rum-soaked balls a useful variety of mood stabilizers. Would have been nice if United gave me some food vouchers since I’ll be living in the airport for the better part of a day, but I guess I’ll buy my own balls if I have to.

With all the extra time I have to kill, my mom suggested that I do something I wouldn’t have been able to do without four and a half free hours. I told her that mastering the Kama Sutra with whatever flight attendants are on break might be a good use of my time, and could potentially boost my application to the Mile High Club. You know how much of an overachiever I am; the more references I can out on that application, the better. It’s also a genius plan because I’m pretty sure you have to be sleeping with someone at United to get an itinerary that doesn’t get screwed up.

Ciao Bella,
Matteo Yazge


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