You know what your life has been missing? More needless Lindsay Lohan drama. Luckily, her Playboy pictures leaked. Well, someone’s pictures from Playboy leaked, and we can only assume that after extensive styling, makeup, and many days of Photo-shopping away all the gross signs of heavy drug use, that it is indeed Lindsay Lohan in these pictures. But this isn’t the biggest news. Those pictures leaked a week ago. The more exciting news is that Lindsay was somehow in Hawaii, where she was bouncing around in a bikini (despite the natives’ begging her to put on a robe or something), and got her $5,000 purse stolen. Oh, and did I mention she had $10,000 worth of cash in that purse? In addition to her identification and several court documents. A girl can’t leave home without her probation papers! Which begs the question, is she technically allowed to be out in Hawaii? Wasn’t she just in jail/what about that month she spent on house arrest? Maybe her probation covers non-contiguous states, but I would feel much safer if we put her in one place and didn’t let her leave.
Lindsay is scheduled to be on Ellen on Thursday to do her exclusive interview about the Playboy spread. I don’t know who Lindsay’s publicist is, but who in the hell thought that the exclusive interview should go to Ellen? Yes, Ellen is a lesbian and thereby attracted to the ladies, but Lindsay is no lady. Also, no one that would read Playboy would ever watch Ellen Degeneres’s talk show. Let’s be real. That audience is 100% middle-aged women and their gay best friends. Oh, and that old lady Gladys who loves Jesus, but likes to drink a little. I don’t think Gladys would approve of these awful pictures. I also don’t think she’d be impressed by another fake Marilyn. Honestly, none of us are. Michelle Williams did it far more believably in My Week With Marilyn. Also, she still had her dignity when it was over. Though really, we can’t be too mad at Lindsay for not having her dignity afterwards, because no one really thought she had any to begin with…