TLC Virgins massage each other; Saudi Women drive, become lesbian prostitutes

Perhaps let’s figure out another group activity? Knitting, maybe?

Those TLC Virgins are at it again. Apparently this week’s episode was a real hum-dinger, what with all the back rubs and trying to regain lost virginity. I once knew a girl who lost her virginity at a high school dance, but don’t you worry. She went back and realized it had just fallen out of her pocket at coat check. Maybe you should start there. But even moreso, maybe you should start by finding a new hobby that the three of you lovely ladies could do besides groping each other while making funny faces. Because if you’re hoping to find a guy who will love you forever and only approach your danger zone after the wedding, you’re not marketing yourself in the best way. Guys who would be interested in you because you and your two roommates sit around in your bed and massage each other, those guys are interested in a whole different kind of lady. They’re called bisexuals. And those men are called horn dogs. Besides, don’t you want to wait to find a guy who – after waiting until you’re married – can kiss you like this:

Meanwhile, in sex-related news halfway around the world, the government of Saudi Arabia is denying women the right to drive because they claim it will cause a drastic rise in premarital sex. They even go so far as to claim that if they were to allow women to drive, that in ten years there would be no more virgins in the whole country. Did everyone stop having kids, or are we all going to start having sex with babies because women drivers are on the road now? In addition, the government says it would increase homosexuality, prostitution, pornography and divorce. CLEARLY I’ve been driving the wrong way all these years, because not once have I been featured in an adult film. Not even as the guy who walks in to fix the copy machine to find two naked bodies smashing up against the toner cartridges. I can guarantee you that our special friends over at TLC’s Virgin Diaries all drive, and look at them! Not even a drop of sex. Well, except that one girl who has had sex with like, half her high school’s football team. But you know, I’d blame that less on her driving and more on her inability to understand the core concept of virginity. My point is, give the ladies the keys. And if you’re going to come up with a stupid reason to prevent them from driving, just say it’s because they’re women. More people think women are bad drivers than think that cars cause your wife to divorce you for a hooker she met on her way to the bazaar.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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