I dare you to figure out what the hell it all means.
Lady Gaga has done it again; none of us have any idea what “it” is, but why get caught up in the details? First, let’s discuss the obvious problem that millions of her little teenage monsters are facing: time crunch. This music video is THIRTEEN MINUTES LONG. It’s only about 9 minutes short of being a full episode of television. Pretty soon Gaga fans are going to have to block off whole days on their day planners to watch a music video, because not only do you have to watch it the first time, but at least a dozen more times before even begin to understand what’s happening. There’s no hint of the song until six and a half minutes in, and the actual song doesn’t start playing until about the nine minute mark. In writing, they talk about the economy of language to refer to making the most impact with the least amount of words. Apparently in Gaga’s music video planning session, they blew up the economy and then tried piecing together random exploded bits and gluing them to her naked body. There’s nothing economical about this video.
In the opening, Gaga admits something that we’ve known all along: “I loathe reality.” Someone alert the press! We’ve got the hot scoop on why her “artistic genius” is so hard to understand! Though who can blame her for wanted her nurses to wear next season’s Calvin Klein and scrub caps that look like “mint berets”? A good dose of non-reality is good for a person. Some of us just prefer that the non-reality be easy to follow or at least partially piece together. Which is why I think I’ve developed the secret to making it through the “Marry the Night” music video: it’s all about the eyebrows.
Gaga does this weird thing from time to time where she doesn’t have eyebrows. I know they’re blond to begin with, but she puts weird chalky white makeup in them so they look almost non-existent. Very creepy. This is going on during her “fantasy” sequence before the music actually starts. So for the first 9 minutes of the music video, just follow the space on her forehead where her eyebrows used to be. This will prevent you from asking silly questions like, “why is that invalid wearing a thong?” or “did Honey Nut Cheerios pay to get that product placement?” or “how in the hell did she sneak a bedazzler into that hospital?” Sometimes you just have to let hospital patients wear revealing underwear and smother themselves with glitter and delicious breakfast cereal. It’s just the way of the world. Eventually the music will start at minute 9, and Gaga’s eyebrows (and our grip on reality) will reappear. They’re drawn on in thick black makeup, and instead of being in that insane Calvin Klein/tenement hospital, we’re in an 80’s dance studio, which is where we thought we’d left Gaga since she came out with her latest album. I feel much more comfortable around spandex, leg warmers, and creatively tailored sweatshirts. Next time, let’s just start the music video here and forget the nine minutes of “prologue.”