Virgin Diaries on TLC, Unsuprisingly Worst Kissers Alive

Oh, yes. This is for real.

Every once in a while, there comes a show that moves us, that connects with us, that touches us… Due to moral constitutions, this show only covers two out of three, as touching is not in its self-approved list of appropriate premarital interactions. But mayhaps it will acknowledge your viewership with a slight head nod, or a ceremonial Japanese bow. TLC, the network that brought us Mormon gem Sister Wives, is at it again with a show all about people whose gentle bits are not allowed to see the light of day. Or starlight. Or red lights in certain district of Amsterdam. I would like to say first, that I am totally 100% in favor of waiting however long you want to wait to have sex. It’s a personal choice that you should be fully prepared for, whenever it is that you decide is finally the appropriate time for you. For some people, that’s marriage. I salute you. For some people, it’s engagement. I salute that too. For some people, it’s the first date. I’m not going to address you, because, well, odds are you’re still having sex in a bathroom stall at some club and my opinion doesn’t matter to you a whole hell of a lot. But the one thing I will say, is that there is absolutely NO REASON why your first kiss should be on your marriage day. And even if it is, on what planet does your first kiss end up looking like you’re both drowning and gasping for a secret pouch of air in the other person’s mouth?

This kiss is absolutely ridiculous. It looks more like a momma bird trying to spit half-masticated bug bits into the baby bird’s mouth. Have these people never turned on a television or watched a romantic comedy? It’s like the only kisses they’ve ever witnessed before were from that SNL sketch where the family kisses each other in a disgustingly graphic fashion. Ellen had some great commentary on her show, too. It’s just plain wrong that someone’s first kiss would have to be that bad. Even a little misguided practice on the family dog would have yielded a better wedding kiss than this crap. But would we watch this show if it were normal? No, and TLC knows that. The network has an eye for oddballs, like the guy who slowly eats his couch on My Strange Addiction, and shares them with us like rare delicate birds that the world previously never knew existed. I’m just waiting for the show where a guy thinks he’s actually a rare delicate bird. Maybe he’ll glue-gun some feathers to himself and eat live rodents. Wouldn’t you want to watch that? Oh, TLC. How normal and boring my life would be without you.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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