See, kids? Dreams really do come true!
So many wonderful things happened this weekend: the Muppets crashed SNL, I made pancakes on Sunday morning, and my microwave is sitting on a lovely new kitchen cart, instead of on the floor in the corner near my trashcan! Such an eventful time. Oh, also, the American Music Awards (AMAs) happened, but that was more of shit show than actual entertainment. Don’t worry, we’ll get around to discussing it by the end of the post, I promise. But first, Los Muppets!
Growing up, the most influential force in my life (outside of corn syrup and saturated fat) was the Muppets. Sure, I think my parents snuck their way in there somewhere, but when you get down to brass tacks, it was really Kermit the Frog that did most of the parenting in our household. I mean, have you heard “It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green”? Talk about life lessons… SO! When I was flipping pancakes on the griddle Sunday morning and watching the latest SNL on my DVR, I almost peed myself when I saw the whole Muppet gang crash the opening monologue. I would post it here, but Word Press is stupid and won’t embed Hulu videos; click here to watch instead. It made my heart warm. And then Kermit took Tina Fey’s usual spot in the Weekend Update segment that was aptly renamed “REALLY?!?! With Seth and Kermit.” The whole episode got me so excited that I went on Amazon and bought four different Muppet movies, that will get here on Wednesday. This gives me enough time to watch all of them before my Aunt Val and I go watch the new Muppet movie on Thanksgiving! There’s also a whole slew of parody trailers on YouTube which are pretty entertaining as well.
Some people, however, are not quite as classy as the Muppets… despite having an incredible resemblance to a particular, porcine Muppet. I’m not going to say which Muppet, or which former female judge of the break-out NBC reality show, The Voice, but I think you might already know what I’m talking about. I mean, Xtina looked like a damned real-life embodiment of Miss Piggy. It also didn’t help that she couldn’t hit her notes the entire song. We expect better than this from you; we know you’re a genie in a bottle, baby, but that dress can’t be rubbing anything in the right way. Aren’t you chaffing? I can’t imagine the amount of flop sweat you got all over it, just drying to get the stupid thing on. Dress for your body type, babe. Maybe then you won’t look so much like a Muppet in all the wrong ways. Other notable train wrecks included Katy Perry dressed up as what appeared to be a Jetsons character. At least that’s what everyone I was watching with landed on. I think she looks more like a Pepto Bismal space cowboy, but that’s just me. JLo made more appearances than anyone cared to see. She also won an award for Best Latin something or whatever, and then proceeded to thank everyone except her ex husband, Marc Anthony. The worst part was when she was performing, stops mid song, and jumps into
the most atrocious piece of product placement the world has ever seen a Fiat and drives around on a green screen, showing us she’s still Jenny from the Italian, economy-size lot. We would have gotten to see more of these shenanigans had the cameras not kept panning to Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift the entire freaking night. No one cares if they’re now best friends and love to dance to “Get On the Floor.” They’re not attractive, they’re not talented, and not that that has really stopped anyone before, but we’re really busy trying to watch one train wreck at a time. JLo was the disaster we were supposed to be watching. She had quite the lovely shiny gold dress flap that shook and dangled when she danced, suggesting that maybe it was a phallic device of sorts… I can’t say for sure, but I think she may have consulted Chaz Bono on the wardrobe choice. See below: