I don’t know how anyone thought that this was capable of impregnating anything.
So it turns out that Mariah Yeater isn’t just a lady of the night, she’s also a liar. Famed future Maury Povich couch occupier Mariah Yeater is apparently so stupid, she can’t remember whether or not the living human that came out of her was preceded by a disgusting backstage Bieber grope session gone awry nine months ago, or just a normal disgusting grope session that I’m sure she experiences on a regular basis. I’m still confused as to how she thought that Justin Bieber was even physically capable of performing any act that would require a paternity test. Because before everyone starts asking for paternity tests, I’d like just a simple hormone screening to see if he’s even hit puberty yet. Or you know what, before that, we should make her look at a little blog called Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. Maybe one of those lovely ladies snuck into the mix of men she’s been canoodling with in bathroom stalls.
To make matters worse for Mariah, apparently she left an entire trail of text messages implicating her ex-boyfriend in the aby-bay aking-may. If there’s one thing I’ve learned the hard way, it’s not to text your actual baby daddy while trying to accuse a celebrity of fathering the same child. It just never works out the way you’d like it to. I mean, that one time I was trying to get child support out of Danny DeVito didn’t end well. I’ve since moved on to trying to paternity test all the lesbians that look like Justin Bieber, because one of them definitely owes me some money for my child. Or at least to have on retainer to fix things around the house. Like my plumbing. Or to iron my flannel shirts. Really, what I’m getting at, is I’d just really love to have a lesbian lover. I make mean flapjacks for adorable lady-lumberjacks. Anyone interested?