Doesn’t it make you want to wish on something that probably doesn’t exist???
Today is the magical day that comes once every 100 years: 11/11/11. Aren’t you glad you’re alive for it? Isn’t it really depressing to think that you’ll be long dead by the time the next one rolls around? Oh, to remember our mortality… But seriously folks, would you honestly even want to live to be whatever age you are now, plus a hundred years? I can’t wait to be a silver fox as much as the next guy, but being 123 years old probably isn’t as glamorous as it sounds. My great-grandmother lived to be 93, and she was convinced the people on divorce court were real, and kept trying to talk to their reflections on the glass sliding door at night. She’d invite them inside the house because it was “too cold out for them to keep standing around in the backyard without a jacket on.” Now you know what lovely mental erosions I have to look forward to as I age. Thanks a million, genetics!
Anyway, odds are a bunch of you are going to make some silly wish today because you think you’ve got a chance with the magical elves that live in our clocks grant wishes when we only use one number repeatedly to denote where we stand in our slow march towards death. Odd how no one wants to make wishes when it’s June 6th of ’66. Lucky for you there’s no such thing as 6:66 o’clock. Thank those elves for not being Satan-worshipers. But sure, make a wish. The universe probably owes you one. Unless you’re a Kardashian. Or ever coached football at Penn State. Or have any connection to Godfather’s Pizza, the Conrad Murray case, and/or Ryan Seacrest. Then you probably should just make a wish that you get a decent settlement/sentencing/slow cascade into pop-culture obscurity. Sometimes it’s easier to just ask for less. But since I have never been, nor have any aspirations to be a Kardashian, a Penn State anything, or connected to any of the idiots running for the GOP nomination, I’ve made a rather extensive list of things that the magic elves can bestow upon me today, this glorious (and hopefully my only) 11/11/11:
- An Unlimited Supply of Pie
Who wouldn’t want this? I mean, pie may be the most delicious thing on the whole damned planet. Besides, anyone who’s anyone knows that pie is totally the new cupcake. If you think there’s anyway I’d be caught dead eating a cupcake, you clearly are the biggest loser this side of the baked goods counter at Whole Foods. Seriously, guy, get with the program. Also, an unlimited supply of vanilla ice cream would be a nice compliment to this request, though not entirely necessary.
Total EnlightenmentSix Pack Abs
Because let’s be frank, what good is enlightenment if you’re ugly? You can fake being smart. You can’t fake having a bangin’ bod.
- The Complete Annihilation of the 101
This isn’t very practical, and odds are it would make traffic between my house and the west side of LA even more horrid than it already is, but it would just make me feel better. All those hours sitting in stand-still traffic swearing at the top of my lungs for those idiot Los Angeles drivers to get the hell out of my way… I will never get them back.
- More Space on My DVR
Sometimes life is about the simple things. So once I’m done wishing for the complete destruction of one of the worst freeways known to man, I think I’d just like to have maybe a few more hours of space on my DVR. I haven’t been able to watch any episodes of Revenge or Ringer, and they’re really starting to clog up space. I wouldn’t even need the space forever, maybe just a week or two, until I can find time to sit down with my lifetime supply of pie, indestructable six-pack, and watch 12 solid hours of primetime television. That’s all.