Rhinos, Rugby Players, and Lesbian Pagents: best in LGBT(and rhino) news

Why so much odd news lately???

This week has brought us many lovely things in the development of pop culture. Aside from Rick Perry acting like a huge moron on national television (though how that’s exactly news is beyond me, isn’t he always a moron?), we’ve also found out a lot about the LGBT including how those hippie liberal gays save the wildlife with that damned foundation of theirs. I’ve had a theory for a long time that the rhino was the gayest species in the animal kingdom. I mean, what other animal puts a huge phallic symbol right in the middle of its face? Read below:

  • Rhinos are endangered, obviously. Partially I blame this on the American diet. I’m not sure exactly how, but I bet that we’ve finally gotten so fat as a country that we can’t settle for just plain beef anymore. We’ve now taken to eating huge, fat, nubby creatures from the far side of the globe. We use the horn to floss. Anyway, apparently in order to move the rhinos to a safer location (with less chubby Americans) the wildlife people have to drug them. Like, full on Conrad Murray style. Too soon? Oh well… ANYWAY. Once these little nuggets of rhinoceros love are passed the hell out, they airlift them upside down while they’re unconscious. Part of me wants to turn my next uneventful weekend into an adventure by wearing a horn on my face and crawling around in the wilderness waiting to get tranq-gunned and airlifted upside-down to safety. Just think of all the Facebook mobile-upload photos you could get out of that…

  • Straight men can catch gay, or at least this one did. You know, maybe all those butch fathers who don’t want their kids doing musical theater should think about pulling their burly hetero sons from sports too. Apparently straight rugby player Chris Birch did a back flip (questionably gay), landed funny and put himself in a coma (straight). When he woke up, he decided to leave his girlfriend and become a hairdresser (pretty gay). Oh, and date a 19-year-old boy (flaming). God bless you, Chris. May you live a long, happy, hair-dressed life free of tacky extensions and bad roots. Also, congrats on rocking the asymmetrical cut. Not many guys can pull that off.

  • There’s a lovely lesbian running for President Miss America or something. I love this idea. If rugby players can be gay, then why can’t pageant girls be lesbians? It makes perfect sense. Though, to be fair, Chris did something obligatorily gay once he came out (of his coma). The whole hair dresser thing makes it a little more believable. So Janelle Hutcherson, first openly gay contestant in the Miss Long Beach and Miss Southern California pageant, you’re going to need to do something tokenly lesbian. I’m thinking power tools, or possibly talk about your love for lumber jacking. Coincidentally, Janelle is also a hairdresser. She’s also rocking the same exact haircut. I’m thinking there might be something in the hairspray, if you catch my drift. Regardless, I wish her the best this weekend. I’ve been to a pageant before to support my best friend (and Miss Congeniality) Taylor Schaffer. I wanted to blow my brains out it was so vapid and stupid, so hopefully the whole “Some Girls Dance with Women” thing (a la JC Chasez) will spice this one up a little. Call me when it’s over, girl; I’ll take you out for ice cream.

 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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