Hermain Cain, Berlusconi, Penn State: bad day for sex offenders

Remember when all these dudes were in deep shit?

Just when you thought the bad guys were getting away with all their groping, pedophile-ing, and bunga bunga-ing, good comes out on top. Yesterday was definitely a great day for everyone who believes that people only have to engage in sexual activity if they want to… not just because an old, unattractive dude keeps touching them inappropriately and unsolicited. Let’s start at the top and work our way down, shall we? (I actually think that may have been one of these guys’ pick-up lines…)

  • Herman Cain, illogical 9-9-9 tax moron running for the Republican nomination now has five women who claim to have been sexually harassed by him during his time as the Grand Poo-bah of Pizza. At the rate these women keep coming out of the woodwork, we may have a full dozen by Thanksgiving. Lord, I hope so, and I also want them to have their own reality TV special: A Very Objectified Christmas. The latest news is that all these woman may potentially get together and have a combined press conference. Can you feel Cain sweating already? The sad thing is that even as a sex-offender, Herman is the lead man in polls for the Republican nomination. Way to go, Republicans. You really know how to pick ’em.
  • Silvio Berlusconi, philanderer extraordinaire and Prime Minister of Italy has finally agreed to resign and stop running his country into the ground. You know, it’s hard to run a country when you have wild crazy sex parties at your mansion with hookers, strippers, 17-year-olds and foreign dignitaries. Who has time to avoid a debt crises when there are awkward sex rituals to be performed in pools? If you ask me, maybe if everyone had a few more sex parties, maybe we’d all care a lot less about how the entire world economy is going to hell in a hand basket. Maybe not. Either way…
  • Jerry Sandusky, a former football coach at Penn State and huge sleazy piece of human filth is finally going to get his just reward. This despicable human being felt the need to repeatedly abuse young boys in the Penn State locker room showers, and what’s worse is that there were several people at the school that were aware of it and did nothing. Way to be stellar human beings and protect those who can’t protect themselves. One guy’s story was that he had to go call his dad on the phone. Yes, because the appropriate reaction to seeing a grown man having sex with a small boy in a college locker room shower is to ignore it and go call your folks. Not to mention the school’s administration never reported rape allegations to the police. Everyone involved in this whole mess should be locked away for a long time and required to go through daily counseling.

All these guys are absolutely awful for all kinds of reasons, but I’m thinking there may be a solution to rid us of them forever. Berlusconi has one of those Bunga Bunga mansions laying around unoccupied. I say we send them away forever, and they’re only allowed to “bunga bunga” each other for the rest of eternity. Hey, we’ll even throw in a few pizzas. Ciao ciao, you despicable human beings.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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