No, really babe. You’re the only one I want to knock up!
Originally I was going to write about Florence + The Machine’s new CD, but with celebrity gossip like this, I couldn’t pass up. So if you haven’t already heard (or been accosted by millions of Bieber fans on Twitter), allegedly Justin Bieber is a baby daddy! I mean, I didn’t even know that he’d hit puberty yet, so this was all news to me. I was convinced that even if he got bored of renting out the entire Staples Center for him and Selena to hold hands and make grilled cheese sandwiches or whatever it is they do, that he’d just go play video games or pick his nose or something. Not knock up some slutty chick with a lip ring. But apparently Mariah Yeater is claiming that the two bumped uglies backstage at his LA concert a little over a year ago, and now there’s a little souvenir. How dumb is this woman to claim that they had sex at a concert when she was 19, and he was only 17. If there’s even an iota of truth to this whole thing, she just set herself up for the most ridiculous statutory rape case. Not to mention there are probably millions of little girls with Bieber fever that will resemble those zombies from I Am Legend when they come tearing after her to rip her carcass to shreds. Either way, I’m still rooting for a paternity test. Why not get the Beebz on Maury for a rousing game of “who dat baby daddy?”
In other child-star news, our own Lindsay Lohan is headed back to jail today. Millions of drivers in the LA County area instantly felt a lot safer. Also, judging by the picture, if you’d like to go thrift shopping again, there’s probably going to be a lot more on the shelves for the next month. LiLo was sentenced to another 30 days for breaking the terms of her probation (again) and being a totally failure at life (aka – can’t hold down a volunteer gig helping dead people). She should talk to Kim Kardashian about getting a job. Maybe the two money-grubbing fame addicts could get married and sell the rights to E! or People or Philip Morris? Lindsay’s old teeth are the best advertisement I’ve ever seen for cigarettes.
But let’s be realistic people, LiLo isn’t going to be in jail any longer than we’re going to have to hear about the Bieber baby. She’ll get let out on “good behavior” (because it’s really hard to find good crack rock in LA County Jail), and the whole baby thing will blow over when Bieber submits evidence that his body doesn’t even make those little swimmer guys that magically help the stork deliver babies. But isn’t it fun to watch them both squirm? Oh, our culture’s love-hate relationship with fame.