Kim Kardashian Divorced, Butt Still Huge

Maybe she can use all that wedding album money to buy herself a real husband?

First off, I’d like to congratulate Kim on such a long, successful 72-day marriage. It lasted about 71 days longer than we all expected, and it got her a shameless self-promoted two-night special on E!. What more could a girl ask for? I’m sure there are millions of little girls all over the world, stuffing the butts of their jeans and dreaming of one day having a sordid, nationally televised tryst with a dumb-as-a-box-o-rocks basketball player and then jetting off to Australia when it all comes tumbling down. Good work, Kim; way to really stand up for what you believe in. You’re the hardest working Armenian call-girl our country has ever seen. Speaking of the Armenians, I tried to get some interviews from the local Glendale population, and unfortunately none of them were able to comment. Not that they couldn’t try, but I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. Rest assured that it was guttural, and most likely a proposal to Kim.

But seriously people, what were we all expecting from this relationship? Just because Chloe has managed to sit on Lamar to keep him from running away didn’t mean that it was going to work out with Kim and Kris. Kardashian + Professional Athlete ≠successful relationship formula. It just equals awkwardly large and hairy children that will never have a hope of passing the SAT. And has no one in that family heard of a long engagement? Or even about not marrying someone within several weeks or months of having met them? There is absolutely no rush. Kim, your childbearing hips aren’t going anywhere, trust me. I do have the sneaking suspicion that she may have married him just so she’s have a nice finale to two seasons of Kardashian shows. The wedding for one, and the New York penthouse move out for the other. But aren’t there cheaper ways to throw away your dignity? That wedding was crazy expensive, and there’s a reason why it’s called a “cheap ploy” to get ratings. I hope these are all things you’re considering, Kim, as you sit out on the Gold Coast of Australia, planning your next move in this perpetual game to make us all a little more stupid for knowing you exist. My only request is that you consider pumping some of that production budget into the US economy, because Lord knows it’s a sad situation when there’s 10% unemployment and even the Kardashians have a “job.”

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

2 responses to “Kim Kardashian Divorced, Butt Still Huge

  1. Thanks! So glad you enjoyed it! I’m thinking there has to be an really great ad campaign somewhere in this whole thing… something about the 99%, Kim coaching on how to turn a sex tape into a career, and ending the recession.

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