What happened to your teeth?!
Dear Ms. Lohan,
On a normal day, I frequent many a blog and pop culture round table show on E! and usually there’s at least one story every week about your crazy, bat-shit antics. If I had my way, it would be a federal offense to even mention your name in public, which may be why I’ll never hold public office. Regardless, I can stomach the occasional LiLo shenanigans, but the past few weeks have been absolutely absurd. People are following your probation problems likes it’s freaking Watergate. What’s even more unsettling is that one of the most consistent threads of your story is the hideous decay of your teeth (see above). I would offer to give you a toothbrush, but alas, the last thing you should probably be doing is applying pressure to crack-pipe-teeth. They may just fall out. Coincidentally, you should really talk to Hillary Duff about the dangers of eating bagels…
Listen, Lindsay, I’m a fairly sympathetic person; I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. It could be that you are acting out as a sign of solidarity for the Occupy Wall Street protesters. After all, if there’s anyone in America that can’t hold down a job, it’s you. Seriously, I realize you never went to school, but perhaps you should enroll in a few classes at Glendale Community College for some job placement skills. And maybe you should try to put in some actual community service so you can put something legitimate on your resume besides “failed actress.” That Parent Trap remake is only going to get you so far. For now, don’t put down any of your current court-mandated gigs on that resume, because I’m not sure they’d have that great of things to say. Typically they like it when you stay for the full four-hour shift… as opposed to showing up an hour late and leaving after 20 minutes to get high. You know it’s bad when even the morgue asks you to never come back and volunteer. How hard is it to help dead people?! It’s not like they’re going to be acting up and being uncooperative.
It kills me that I’ve even spent this much time writing you this open letter. There are much better things I could have done with my time, including but not limited to scratching my eyeballs out, getting a colostomy, or slamming my head in the oven door repeatedly. But I’m a giver; it’s what I do. Please, listen to someone. If not for your lack of career, then do it for your teeth. You can only replace them so many times before your gums fall out.