First of all, I understand that I haven’t been up with the times lately. I have so much crap on my DVR that I can’t keep up with it. That being said, I finally watched Monday’s Chelsea Lately, and Hillary Duff was the guest. Can we discuss how many things are wrong with this interview? God Bless Chelsea, but I wouldn’t have been able to be nearly as polite. Here are the questions that I, and America, want answered:
- Why are you pregnant? Shouldn’t you be singing a song about letting the rain fall? I think it’s a rule that after starring in at least two Disney movies, you’re not allowed to procreate. This is to preserve both their innocence and our ears from more heinous teenie-pop music.
- Do you understand how gross it is that you lost a tooth on your wedding day? She was eating a bagel. A BAGEL! Unless that thing was made of cement, there is no legitimate reason she should have lost a tooth biting into it. I think that’s most likely due to what some people like to call malnourishment, but what I’m going to call the “start eating real food” syndrome. Sometimes when your mouth is sick of being subjected to only diet foods, your teeth will just pack their bags and leave. And by the way, what the hell were you doing eating a bagel on your wedding day? You said yourself you were worried about fitting into that dress. Bagels aren’t helping that cause.
- You can write?! On what planet do people like Hillary Duff get a book deal? It’s just not fair. The girl didn’t even finish the third grade. She should have to read a few books before she’s allowed to write one. I’m wondering if she didn’t just sit in a lounge chair and dictate all kinds of crazy shit to a personal assistant who was then forced to turn her incoherent ramblings into a legitimate story. Good luck with that bud. Maybe you can find that bagel she was eating so you can loose a tooth and go out on disability until this whole book thing has blown over.
So many other questions, but not enough time. You get the point, though. Hillary should have stuck to annoying us in the way she knew best: pretending to sing.