Beyonce, you’re the one I love. You’re all I need.
As I’m sure you’re aware, there have been a lot of rumors surrounding Beyonce’s pregnancy. Namely, that she’s not actually pregnant. I guess some people think that she’s having a surrogate carry her baby, that way her star-booty doesn’t go super nova. But I’m proud of Beyonce for taking the high road and not commenting on any of the rumors. However, after watching her new music video about 30 times (purely for research purposes), I’m convinced that it stands as her rebuttal to the baby doubters. There are just way too many coincidences for this beautiful woman to not be pregnant.
- She’s trying to use that same old leotard she wore in the Single Ladies video, just minus a sleeve or two. Don’t think we wouldn’t notice, B. The first sign of pregnancy is diminished desire to wear new, non-leotard clothing. Besides, it’s looking a little more snug than it did two years ago when you first wore it. And no, throwing on a weird old military hat doesn’t make it a new outfit. It just makes you pregnant.
- She’s hired Occupy Wall Street protesters to be her backup dancers. You know, it’s getting really hard for the 1% to make their music videos, but due to her newly-developing maternal instincts, Beyonce has kindly offered to give five protesters a dancing gig, thus saving both the budget for her video and the livelihood of five lucky occupiers. I mean, look, that one guy all the way on the left couldn’t even afford a shirt. God bless Beyonce’s unborn child for identifying with the 99%.
- Beyonce’s roots look disgusting. My baby girl would never allow her roots to grow out that long and hideous unless it was medically inadvisable to get a touch-up. Poor thing, maybe that’s why she was wearing those ugly hats all through the video. The military one was enough, but the top hat just takes things too far. And whipping her hair back and forth only covers up the roots until she stops moving. What a rough life/dye-job.
- The lyrics: “BABY, it’s you…BABY, you’re the one I want…come on BABY, you’re the one I love, BABY you’re the one I need.” At one point she just starts screaming “Baby, baby, baby, oooooh, like baby, baby, ooooh.” Wait, I actually think that’s Justin Beiber. But you get the point. You don’t sing a song that has the word “baby” in it that many times unless, like Beiber, you actually are one, or like Beyonce, you currently have one living inside you.
So now that we can all agree that Beyonce is legitimately with child, we should all write her and Jay-Z thank you notes for finally bringing us hip-hop royalty. Willow Smith can whip her hair back and forth all she wants, but she isn’t going to have anything on this little soul princess. But just to be safe, in your letter to B & Jay, tell them to play their albums into B’s womb every night before bed. And maybe ask that Beyonce stops dancing so wildly, that way their child isn’t born having already had multiple concussions in utero.