They’re artists, get it? That’s why they look so much cooler than you.
It’s taken me a while to go through my DVR, as I watch an inordinate amount of television. One show that I just saw the season premiere for is Bravo’s Work of Art, a competition show along the lines of a Project Runway, Top Chef, etc. only this one is all about making art. Personally I think that “Piece of Work” would have made an equally as successful title, as a lot of these contestants have quite the personality. The most bizarre would the artist who has fashioned himself with the name “Sucklord.” You read correctly, no need to go back and read it again. Sucklord.
My main concern is that this name stems back from some dark childhood memory, where kids were throwing rocks at his head and stealing all the cookies from his lunch box while yelling “Sucklord! Sucklord! You’re a big stupid sucklord!” It could also have something to do with the fact that his first piece of art just sucked really bad. His bio showed all this cool pop art, á la Andy Warhol. Instead of doing something interesting like his previous work suggested he might, he made a little Gandolf action figure (as in Gandolf the Wizard from Lord of the Rings). This only confirms my first suspicion that he was called “sucklord” while growing up. But what’s even more unsettling is how serious he is about his name. When the French art-dealing mentor/judge was making the rounds (much like Tim Gunn might), he addressed the Sucklord by his legal name. Big mistake, buddy. I don’t care how French you are, you have to recognize
foreign dignitaries’ proper titles deranged artists’ egotistical fantasies. The Sucklord even told him that he didn’t have to address him as “The Sucklord;” he also would answer to “your lordship,” “lord suck,” or any other variation upon the theme.
If that weren’t embarrassing enough for the entire country of France, poor little blue-eyed Ugo (below) was booted on the first episode. Que tragic! Sorry Ugo, but not even your eye-color-coordinated sweater or your fabulous hair could save you. I guess you’ll have to find comfort in the fact that you’ll soon be returning to a country sans sucklord, but with a whole lot more baguettes. Honestly, I think you got the better end of the deal.