Dude Passed Out HARD.

I have no idea who this is, but the situation was very similar yesterday.

Anyone who knows me is aware that I am not a fan of hypodermia. No matter what the needle, no matter what the reason, I’d just prefer to not have my skin punctured by metal. Call me crazy. So my annual health screening for my insurance plan was not exactly something I was awaiting with eager anticipation. We get measured on a variety of things (blood sugar levels, cholesterol, tobacco use, etc.) and for every one we pass, we get a discount on our insurance premium. It’s a lot like the Olympics in that you have to not eat candy for a period of time leading up to the big day, but instead of getting medals, you give vials of blood. Lucky me, I was not the hottest mess at the screening yesterday.

As I walked from the initial screening room where they measure your height, weight, and blood pressure, I entered the second room (the “give me your vials of blood” room) to find a fully grown man sprawled out on two chairs, who appeared to be savagely attacked by a group of nervous nurses. They were splashing water on him, smacking him in the face a bit, jostling his limbs, and generally making sure he didn’t fall out of the chair and thus make them liable for any potential injuries involved his thunking his head on the floor. He never completely came to during the entire 15 minutes I was in that room, rather civilly giving my blood without making nearly such a scene. So, I never really found out if it was the blood that creeped him out, the needles, or if he happened to see a billboard across the street for the new Footloose movie and got really excited. There’s just no telling. What I can tell you is that after I gave them my blood, I made a b-line straight for my laptop bag where I had stashed away several candy bars just for this purpose. They deprive you of sugar and fat for a week before this test, and then you can’t eat for a full 12 hours before giving blood samples. That’s just plain rude. To make up for it, I ingested over roughly 2,000 calories in candy and ice cream for the rest of the day. It was the only sensible thing to do, and after not passing out and requiring a full team of nurses to revive me, I think I deserved it. And in case anyone was wondering, yes. Yes, Chubby Hubby is a very delicious flavor of Ben & Jerry’s.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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