Yup. I had a threesome last night; me, vino, and endless happiness.
Sometimes, you can’t enjoy the company of just one wine. It gets boring, stale; you’re just going through the motions. In the end, you end up reenacting all the excitement from those Herbal Essences commercials just so the wine doesn’t feel like you didn’t have a good time too. But last night I was over at a friend’s house helping her put together some IKEA furniture (I love me an allen wrench), and she offered me a glass of wine. Who am I to turn down someone’s hospitality? This wine was called “Menage a Trois”, so naturally I did some soul searching and consulted my doctor before engaging in any vigorous wino/sexual activity. But when I did… my world was rocked. I never thought a glass of wine could make me feel so aroused, excited, and a little dirty. I had several glasses to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating, that’s how good it was. That menage made me see God, and he totally approved. I think that’s what Jesus meant when he blessed the wine at the wedding in Cana: go forth and multiply all kinds of crazy sexy wines. Right? No? Whatever…
The most upsetting thing is that now that I’ve had done the dirty with more than one wine at the same time, I don’t know if I can ever go back to drinking just one type of wine from the same glass. You know how David Duchovny had to go to sex rehab after filming that show Californication? Yeah, well I’m going to end up and some odd combination of that and Betty Ford because I’ll start showing up at parties and indiscriminately pouring multiple types of wine into one glass. I used to think I believe in vino-monogamy, but I just don’t know anymore. And if lovin’ more than one wine is wrong, then I don’t want to be right!