Apparently it’s only always sunny in that magical land called Philadelphia.
This morning, as I sit here and type, I am experiencing my very first rainy day in Los Angeles. The beautiful part is that I’ve lived here over four months, and this is the first day it’s rained in Glendale. Since this is my first LA rain, and as I have yet to step outside and witness what actually happens in Southern California when it rains, I’ve come up with a list of ponderings about what I expect will happen because of the little drizzle.
- The Majority of Beverly Hills will literally melt.
I’m not sure what goes into facelifts, but I’m fairly certain you can’t get it wet. Not that many of those women who’ve had work done look like their faces aren’t already melting, but it’s a different matter entirely when the polymers holding your brow and cheekbones up start to disintegrate. Tomorrow morning you’ll see one of those old guys with a push broom like they have on the streets of Paris, sweeping away the flesh-colored remains of people’s “faces.”
- The rest of us will literally melt.
Have you seen how filthy the LA air is? Smog is no joke. Introduce rain to the equation, and you’ve got toxic sludge falling from the sky. I’m going to have to shower for days to get the smell of car exhaust and chemical filth off of me. That’s all assuming that the toxic rain doesn’t eat away at my flesh and bones.
- All highways will come to a standstill.
Yesterday, several people in our office were late because of traffic out of Orange County. Not just a little late, but 2-hour commute late. It was a little foggy and slightly drizzling. With honest-to-Moses rain, I’m pretty sure they’ll just close all the roads entirely. People in LA can’t drive for shit when the sun’s out, so it’s really unfair to ask them to drive with any added distractions.
- I will want to take a nap
This one is the most irrelevant to everyone else, but probably the most likely to occur.
- Increased Odds of Celebrity Sightings
No studio wants to film on a rainy day, so expect all the actors to be out and about, wandering through the “magical water falling from the sky.” I’m not saying that all celebrities are going to be out on the town. I’m sure Gwyneth has better things to do with her time. But I would say there’s definitely a 70% chance Ms. Lohan will be pounding the pavement. I hear all the dealers start slashing prices when they have to stand out in the rain to sell…
Well, mis amigos, I need to go get dressed for work. I don’t care how ridiculous it is; I’m wearing my Hunter Boots. I paid decent money for those stupid boots, and this may be the only day the entire year I get to wear them. I’ll send pictures.