Attack of the Raccoons

THEY’RE SO HUNGRY!!! (and scary…)

When I got home from Trader Joe’s last night, and was pulling into my driveway, I noticed a rather large furry lump next to my neighbor’s front door. Upon further inspection, I realized that this wasn’t just one furry lump, but three furry lumps, and three furry lumps that were moving. And raccoons. And terrifying. Have you ever seen a raccoon up close? Have you?! They’re horrifying. You know they’re just giant rodents, right? This is the reason I left Indiana. I thought I’d left all the raccoons behind me! I didn’t even know that we had them in LA, but apparently we do, because they were eating all my neighbor’s cat food. I’m fairly certain they would have eaten my neighbor’s baby as well, had my neighbor left the baby outside, unattended and in a shiny metal bowl. What’s most disconcerting about these raccoons was that they weren’t even fazed by my car driving 2 feet away from them. These raccoons have cajones, and they ain’t scared of nobody. I, however, am slightly more skittish than your average raccoon.

From the safety of my car (with the doors locked), I tried calling several friends to advise me on what to do in the case of raccoon attack. Secretly I was also hoping they’d materialize and beat the living crap out the raccoons with a tennis racket. Alas, that didn’t happen. I was perfectly content to just wait the raccoons out until they had eaten all the babies cat food, but I had milk and yogurt in the back that I didn’t want to go bad. On the bright side, I thought I could always survive on the rations I’d picked up from the grocery store if it really came to that. But after a few minutes two of the raccoons had walked away from the cat food bowl, and the third was asking for the check. So I decided to quickly and calmly exit my vehicle and go inside. I slammed my door shut to try and scare the raccoons away, but they’re not scared of shit. No, in fact, as I was getting my groceries out of my trunk, all three of them stood there and eyed me like I was a delicious Christmas ham. They looked oddly intelligent, like those monkeys in the James Franco Planet of the Apes prequel. They’re just animals, but you know they’d throw you off the Golden Gate Bridge if given the opportunity. They were not even slightly intimidated by the loud noises I was making or the fact that I was 5 feet taller than them and only 15 feet away. So after a brief stand-off with the raccoons, I made a b-line for the back door of my apartment building and made sure every window/door in the hallway upstairs was bolted shut. I did not want to wake up to find they had infiltrated my apartment, had learned to use tools overnight, and were eating my food while reprogramming my DVR to record everything on Animal Planet.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

One response to “Attack of the Raccoons

  1. omg. As I read this, I swear I almost snorted my coffee. You are hilarious my friend! And that picture!!!! It captures the essence of raccoons.

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