Buffy’s Back!

Oh, SMG, how we’ve missed you on Prime Time.

While it’s exciting to see Sarah Michelle Gellar on television, it’s even more exciting to see two of her on television. It’s more than twice as exciting, as the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Like any CW show worth its salt, this one is steeped in mystery. What drove the wedge between the two SMG’s? Why is one of them married to a British guy? Why does that SMG kill herself in the first 20 minutes of the show? What is the weird guy-liner guy from Lost doing on the CW? All legitimate questions, the last of which I think might explain all the mystery. Think of Ringer like a Lost that’s been moved to a different island (Manhattan) and where everyone lives in expensive apartments and wears designer clothing, but still they’re being chased by some monster that probably won’t be identified until season 3. Guy-liner man is here to remind us of that. But to help us better understand the genius of having two SMG’s on this show, and have half a shot at dissolving the mystery, let’s take a look at how they differ:

  1. “Dancer” SMG
    When I use the word “dancer” here, I’m referring to the type that take off their clothes and swing around shiny metal poles. This dancer is from somewhere in the middle of nowhere Great Planes and also has some sort of addiction. I’m assuming alcohol, though coke may have been involved because the makeup gives that strung out coke look to her. We only get to see her in her AA meeting long enough for her to flirt with her sponsor. Oh, Sarah, don’t you know that’s the first rule of rehab? Don’t sleep with your sponsor. Other people’s sponsors, go for it. Anyway, she’s scheduled to testify against some big gangster thug (like they have those out in Nebraska?) when she randomly skips town in search of…
  2. Louboutin SMG
    She lives in Manhattan, has a house out in the Hamptons, and wears her hair in a bun to show how frigid and unhappy she is. Apparently she’s never told anyone she has a sister, and we’re to assume it’s because there’s some beef between the two of them. The beef certainly isn’t being eaten by either one of them, because they’re both a size double zero. There was a man involved, but I forget his name because I was too distracted watching SMG talk to herself. So like any estranged identical twins will do, they go out on a boat off the Long Island Sound… and Louboutin SMG kills herself. Obviously.

This is where it gets tricky, Dancer SMG decides to continue running from the cops, the thugs, and carbohydrates, and steal Louboutin SMG’s identity, and now we’re all supposed to start calling her Siobhan. If it came with that penthouse apartment, I’d do it too. Everyone continues to make references to the episode about how anorexic she looks. I live for this shit. I don’t want to ruin the show for you, but just know there’s a lot of running, shots of the NYC skyline, bougie references, and sordid story lines involving affairs. Set your DVRs and get ready for the return of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Sarah Michelle Gellar running from people in expensive outfits.

 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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