Let’s pop the bottles and celebrate. I’m 100!
The latest incarnation of this blog has finally reached 100 posts. I can hear old people groaning somewhere asking why I’m spending so much time on the “internets” and the “youtubes”. But since this is such a momentous occasion, I’ve decided to make this a DOUBLE POST! (What, who, where??? Double post, can he do that?) Oh yes, my friends. I can and I will. Mainly because I couldn’t decided between the two topics I was thinking of for today, but also because we’re “fair and balanced” here at The Ugly American. Kind of. So here we go! Topic one:
You look so distinguished on that couch, Mr. Cooper.
ANDERSON COOPER TAKES OVER DAYTIME TELEVISION
And it’s about damned time. That full head of beautiful silver hair and dimples needs to be on television as much as humanly possible. Although I could do with less of him talking into a camera that appeared to be strapped to his bike as he rolled into Columbus Circle where they film the show. Anderson, you’re not over in Bosnia anymore. You don’t need to be risking your life for a segment anymore. There are no Haitian babies that need saving out on Central Park West. Let the cameramen do their job, and you just stand there and look pretty. Occasionally you can say something too.
For his premiere, he had on Amy Winehouse’s family. In my eyes the only way this first episode could have gotten any better is if he somehow managed to resurrect Amy on the show for a final concert or something. But he was very tasteful about the questions he asked, and at no point did it feel like he was trying to manipulate her family. Although, I would have really liked if he got around to asking about all those tracks she’d already laid down for her new CD before she died. And now I’ll be listening to Amy for the rest of the week. Today on his show, Anderson is going to have Daniel Radcliffe, Snookie, and Kathy Griffin. Does it get any better than that? God help me that I’m now going to be regularly DVR-ing daytime television…
Oh, isn’t intolerance funny?!
HOW TO BE A CANDIDATE FOR THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY
I also watched the CNN Tea Party Debate last night, and felt like I had an epiphany. I finally realized that there’s a fail-proof formula to becoming a successful candidate for the Republican ticket. Below is a list, certainly a non-exhaustive one, on how to get your campaign up and running. Stick to this list and you’re sure to get lots of media coverage and support from several large oil companies.
- Pick a minority and hate them. Publicly.
You have a lot of options here. In the first debate, all the candidates decided to pick the same minority, and they all hated Muslims for 3 solid hours on national television. Last night, they all hated immigrants. Unless you were an Italian immigrant, in which case I guess you had a friend in Rick Santorum. Unless you were a gay Italian, in which case he’ll probably deport you. But most of the candidates (John Huntsman being the notable exception) would prefer it if gay people just all moved to Canada and took their health care with them.
- Deny some form of repeatedly proven science.
Evolution is a good one to start with, but if you’re really looking to become a professional Republican, think bigger. Think gravity. Or maybe even algebra. The more times the theory has been proven by science and the more widely accepted it is by liberals, the better. Personally, if I were running for election, I would try to deny that the Earth rotates around the sun, because God made us in this beautiful US of A and why should we let the terrorists win by letting the Earth rotate around the sun? Amen.
- Name drop Ronald Reagan until you’re blue in the face.
I’m not entirely sure why this even works anymore. The Tea Party is so the opposite of what Ronald Reagan even stood for, that it doesn’t really make sense that this ploy should even work anymore, but it does. Reagan has become to the Republican Party what Bob Marley is to pot-heads. Accept it and move on.
- Have a funny personal trait.
Michelle Bachman’s face looks like an over-powdered leather mask. John Huntsman and Mitt Romney have that whole Mormon thing going on (very trendy right now. Did you see The Book of Mormon? So good.) If Newt Gingrich got any older or larger, people might start mistaking him for Santa Claus. Ron Paul sounds like that crazy old guy that lived down the street when you grew up. You know, the one that stood out on his stoop and yelled at kids to get off his lawn? Herman Cain is a black Republican. Rick Santorum has a funny sexual term named after him (Google it). And finally, Rick Perry is even dumber than George Bush. See? Look how many options you have! Isn’t this fun!?
While I’d love to expound some more proven ways to become a contender in the GOP primary, I need to go shower. Partially because I didn’t shower before I went to bed last night, but mostly because I feel I may have just set loose a hoard of unstoppable would-be Tea Party Candidates and my conscious needs me to bath as a form of absolution. Thanks for following me for 100 posts! Let’s do it again tomorrow for 101, shall we?