Celebrities Have the Worst Luck

Really? You wanted to break into her house?

This week celebrities have not been having the best of luck. Apparently some random dude, Daniel Bedard, broke into Celine Dion’s house while she and her 1,000-year-old husband were out on vacation. Not only did this guy have the nerve to break into Ms. Celine’s house, but he is guilty of what the LA Times is calling an “attempted bathing.” Not of Celine. He just wanted to take a nice bubble bath in the privacy of a Candian diva’s house, you know, while she was out on vacation. I guess he was so desperate for some bath salts that he forgot that a house that nice is probably going to have a security system, alerting the authorities in the event of a break-in. When the cops got there, Mr. Bedard had already drawn the water  for a bath and was in the kitchen trying to find some bath snacks. What I’m most concerned about in this entire ridiculous situation is what this guy expected to find in Celine’s pantry. We all know she isn’t chowing down on Wheat Thins; that fragile body hasn’t seen a carb in years.

In other news, Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car. Not surprisingly, the driver was an 84-year-old woman. Hey, maybe it was Celine Dion!? What really makes me mad is that this happened over in Santa Monica. I haven’t been able to sleep all week, knowing that I was so close to the incident and could do nothing to stop it. Clearly my day job is getting in the way of my ability to play body guard to our national treasures. Can you imagine if that old lady plowed Reese down dead? Our hopes of a Legally Blonde 4 would be totally shot to hell. Reese, baby, please stick to running on the sidewalk until I can find a way to come accompany you on your early-morning jogs. It’s the only way we can assure that those lovely blonde locks don’t get tire-tread on them.

Luckily both Celine and Reese are fine, only a little emotional scarring and some fresh new biases against the elderly (which, to be honest, are probably essential to survival). Keep your eyes out, though, because these things always come in threes. Meryl Streep better be extra careful this week. Someone might try to take a bath in her car and then run her down in it….

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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