Top 10 VMA Train Wrecks

The actually want us to take this damned thing seriously?!

Dear lord, the shit just never stopped hitting the fan. Every year I watch the VMAs hoping that they might have legitimate entertainment value, and every year I just end up spewing a running commentary on how absolutely bat-shit insane they are. This year was no exception. Here’s what I thought were the top ten moments of the VMAs, the good, the bad, but mainly the ugly.

 

 

  1. Lord(?) Gaga
    At first I thought her opener was going to be some noble stand for transgender rights. No. This was some weird regression to her brief time spent at an NYU acting studio. She definitely rocked it; nothing new. I’m just confused about what was going on for about 90% of the time. But again, nothing new. I appreciated that she sang You and I. It’s my favorite song on the album. But if anyone knows why all the Nebraska references in the song, I’d love to be enlightened.
  2. Nicki Minaj
    There are only two options here. Either she dropped acid before deciding what to wear, or she broke into Lady Gaga’s dressing room and that’s why Gaga had to dress in drag. I’m going to say it was probably a special mix of both. I love that girl, especially because she’s from Jamaica Queens. That’s my favorite way to get to JFK… lol. Also, whenever I think I’m having a day when I’m poorly dressed, thinking of Nicki always makes me feel better.
  3. Best Pop Video – Britney Spears
    This was clearly an award that was misnamed. Clearly this was supposed to be the “We Never Thought You’d Make it Out of Rehab” Award. On what planet did Britney Spears win ANYTHING over Adele? Unless of course it was an STD test. Then she’d get two A’s and a B. Also, I’m not convinced that she actually wanted to thank God for her award. I’m pretty sure she meant to thank whatever trace amounts of prescription pills were left in her system. Hell, if I had to sit through this shit-show live, I’d want to be pumped full of muscle relaxers too.
  4. The Rock ‘n Roll Category
    As much as I love them, Mumford and Sons are not a rock band. Neither are those dudes whose song “Pumped Up Kicks” annoys the living shit out of me every morning on my short drive to work. It only takes one song to get me to work, and for some reason, Ryan Seacrest consistently chooses to play that horrid song every day at the exact same time. But I digress… My point is that this category would have been more aptly named “Best Video by a Group of Bearded Hipsters.”
  5. THIS COMMERCIAL

    If Mel Zahnd and I were hamsters, this is what we’d end up doing with our spare time. LMFAO is life.
  6. Adele sings “Someone Like You” (and wins actual awards that aren’t in the shape of a Moon Man)
    The only legitimately talented moment of the evening. That’s really all that needs to be said. Oh, that and I can play this song on the Ukulele.
  7. Jesse J sings “Firework”
    Bahahaha, what a kick in the ass. Literally RIGHT AFTER Adele stops singing, Jesse starts singing Firework. It was an awesome cover, and she sang it a hell of a lot better than Katy Perry every could, even with the assistance of digital pitch adjustment and heavy editing. But Katy Perry did win several VMAs, and Adele went home empty-handed. Way to shove it in Adele’s face. Only on MTV.
    7 1/2. Jesse J singing anything
    She rocked it all night long. “Scrubs” by TLC? Win. One love to Lefteye.
  8. Death Valley premier tomorrow night

    In my typical fashion, I will be watching this show, if for no other reason than the fact that there’s vampires in it. My one friend was kind enough to point out that I’ll watch any show, regardless of how absurd it is, as long as there is some connection to vampires.
  9. Let’s Hear it for the Morons
    Chris Brown, notorious “alleged” domestic abuser, performed and I wanted to vomit that MTV would still support this guy. As if to prove my point, Kanye was standing up clapping the entire damned performance. Is there a league of extraordinary assholes? Because if so, I think these two are definitely nominated to be its leaders. And for the record, any schmuck can ride around in the air on overtly visible wires. I’m not impressed.
  10. BEYONCE.
    So maybe there were two legitimately talented moments of the evening. If so, Beyonce was the second. This is hands down my favorite song from her new album. Which isn’t saying much… I like her older stuff. We also use this song to cool down in my Cardio Funk class at the gym, so that could be why I love it. Also, how adorable that Jay-Z got all excited that his lady was singing to him. Now hurry up and pop that baby out  so we can have a little hip-hop prince(ss). Yeah, in case you didn’t hear, the B is pregerz. I guess that explains the pant-suit instead of all those leotards she used to wear…

 

Aaaaaaand I’m spent. Happy VMAs everyone. Let’s find something better to do with our time next Sunday.

 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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One response to “Top 10 VMA Train Wrecks

  1. 1. I forget how ridiculously funny I find your writing. This made me giggle. But I am at work. So I was trying to quite giggle which is hard and always causes me to tear up. So thanks for that.

    2. I appreciate being the unnamed “one friend” Thanks for that as well.

    3. You skipped out on several of my favorite moments. Let’s recap.

    -Miley announcing that Rock had “shaped” her.
    -Gaga trying to kiss Britney. Britney looked sane in that scenario of odd.
    -The dance tribute to Britney. Say what you will about her insanity but those kids dancing? Fierce.
    -The Valerie tribute to Amy thing. I also enjoyed that. Although her voice kicks the hell out of Bruno Mars ANY day.
    -Nothing on the Beibs? With his YSL blazer? The gold chains? The glasses he stole from his dad to look super adult? His “I’d like to thank God. And umm… Jesus. Yeah… I’d like to thank Jesus” oddity? No. Ok.

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