Livin’ in an Ice Box

 

Sup, dude? Ain’t no one here but us polar bears.

THANK THE LORD BABY JESUS FOR AIR CONDITIONING! I finally went out last night and purchased an a/c unit, and my life has drastically changed for the better. I didn’t sweat once all last night. A marked improvement from waking up all clammy and gross almost every other morning I’ve been here. But I realize that while I may now have air conditioning, there are probably some people out there who still need some advice on how to stay cool. As someone who has just lived for a month without a/c, let me lay out your options for you:

  1. Whole Foods:
    Preferably the frozen foods section, or where they keep all the dairy. There are several reasons why hanging out at Whole Foods is a good plan to avoiding heat stroke. First of all, the store is generally kept very cool and when you walk down the dairy aisle, the lack of insulated doors between you and the cooling element becomes instantly noticeable. On top of that, the people who work and shop and Whole Foods are both nice and attractive. It really doesn’t get any better. If you get bored, try to start a game of soccer in produce. Use lettuce for a ball and corn husks as shin guards.
  2. Drive Aimlessly In You Car:
    The real benefits here are your stereo system and the car’s mobility. Whole Foods has neither of these (trust me, I tried for hours to look for an outlet for my boombox to no avail). The rather serious downside to this is the price of gas. Also, that it’s much harder to make friends. No one wants to hang out with the creepster driving around in a car and occasionally rolling down the window to yell, “HEY! I like to stay cold. Want to be cold with me in my car?”
  3. Wrestle a Polar Bear:
    This one is tricky. You’ll get to be cold, that’s for sure. But it promises lots of sweat, physical exertion, and there’s no guarantee that you won’t get mauled to death. So really, it’s a toss up.
  4. Vod-Box:
    Like I told y’all a few days ago, Nic’s in Beverly Hills has that furnished freezer room for vodka tastings. This option is best pursued in the evening times, as it also allows you to get shit-housed drunk. I’m not saying that you couldn’t go during the day, but just remember that a gentleman never drinks before noon, and a lady never vomits in public. Also, table-dancing is never OK for individuals of either gender. That being said, how awesome would it be to just hang out in a freezer room of vodka all day? Let me know if you choose this one and I’ll meet you there.
  5. Cleaning My Apartment:
    Yes. You, not me. You can come and clean my apartment. It’s my gift to you. Come enjoy the lush air conditioning of a Yazge apartment, so much so that you’ll be inspired to clean up all the junk I have laying around my living room, kitchen, and hallways. I also have DVR and Netflix on my TV, so maybe we can watch something. You like Weeds? Clearly we know that this is the best option available.

 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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