Wine: my grandma’s painkiller

Watch out, Miss Winehouse. There’s a new wino in town…

There’s a long list of crazy anti-Western medicinal practices that my grandmother feels are legitimate. She thought she could cure her lymphoma with sage tea and prune juice; she also thought that she could use Bufferin over the counter pain killers instead of anesthesia when she had to have reconstructive surgery on her knee. But I’m fairly certain her latest attempt to outsmart modern medicine takes the cake. While a very enthusiastic lady, she can’t handle long periods of time on her feet. The past few days have wiped her out a bit, so her joints are giving her some problems. When I suggested she take an Advil or two, she informed me that by no means was she going to pump her body full of horrible prescription medicines. I may be wrong here, but I’m pretty sure one Advil can’t be likened to a scrip for morphine. So, you ask, what does she suggest doing about her aching joints? Vino.

Apparently she doesn’t just use wine to “build her blood,” something she frequently preaches as a fool-proof panacea. A glass a day keeps the doctor away! Though I think I’m a fan of this wine-as-a-pain-killer plan; if I can just uncork a bottle every time I’m feeling “a little sore”, I think I’d be as happy as my grandma usually is. Although maybe the wine is why she’s that happy all the time. She’s too drunk to know how much pain she’s in or let anyone rain on her parade. This may be her most effective self-medicating yet! She’s definitely getting a mug that says “Rx” on one side and “Wine” on the other.


Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge


(DISCLAIMER: my mother is concerned for the family name – as if we’re the Rockefellers or something – and wants me to clarify that my grandmother does not regularly binge drink. Some people have no sense of humor.)


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