I got Sucker Punched… hard.

 

I’m still not sure what this movie is ultimately about…

 

The movie last night was everything I was expecting. Coincidentally it also had everything in it that would appeal to a person who has both a y-chromosome and low-functioning brainwaves. Clearly this movie will perform well with the Peter Brady crowd. There were hot chicks in bustiers who slaughtered Nazi zombies. The whole thing is set inside an insane asylum, but also in a whore house, but also in some post-apocalyptic war zone? It’s kind of like Inception, in that the layers just keep getting deeper and it’s easy to get lost. However, Inception did not have the benefit of a sexy Polish dance instructor. How about them apples, Christopher Nolan? Maybe you would have won a few more awards if you’d added some Eastern European flare to your script… just saying.

Spoiler alert: (as if anyone reading this blog is actually considering going to see this movie) it’s not until the very last five minutes of the movie that you finally realize what the hell is going on. There’s no global war against Nazi zombies, and hot chicks are not going to keep raining out of the sky carrying Uzi’s and samurai swords. Nor is there an actual whore house where women are trained by a pirogi-eating dance instructor to seduce rich clientele that later sexually abuse them… It’s all an escapist dream for the main character, Baby Doll, who is instead being sexually abused by an orderly at the mental ward. However, they explain some odd correlations between the dream-within-a-dream plot line and the mental ward plot line. In the end, she gets lobotomized by Donald Draper. It’s nice he could make a visit from Madison Avenue for this little cameo. The End.

The moral of the story? Anyone who paid full price to see this movie was the actual victim of a sucker punch.

 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo Yazge

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